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Things to do at a meeting take 3
- Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say 'It's pitiful. But what can you do?'
- At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply. Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you 'so you can hear better.' Gradually work your way up to the speaker.
- When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly.
- Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
- Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.
- Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.
- Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that 'my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings.' Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.
- Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect.
- Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say 'uh-huh, uh-huh!'
- Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.
- Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
- When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, 'Well, here's the way I see it, J.B...' (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
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St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let?' get out of here."
Submitted by Mike, Bolder, Co.
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You know a computer is owned by a West Virginian if...
- The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
- The keyboard is camouflaged.
- There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
- There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
- The password is, "bubba."
- The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
- Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
- The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
- The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
- The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
- The monitor is up on blocks.
- Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
- Deer jerky is in the desk drawer.
- The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos playing in the background.
- The six front keys have rotted out.
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A redneck women had a flat tire... So she pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then she got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied
the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the women what the problem was.
The women replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The Women responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!"
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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![[]](../../../pictures/2005/cih.jpg)
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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