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Mark Twain was renowned for his irreverent sayings and cutting wit ... ... here are just 10 that were judged to be among the best:
- Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college degree.
- Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
- When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- The report of my death was greatly exaggerated.
- In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
- A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
- Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
- A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
- Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia.
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Changes in Company Policies
- Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you
need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
- Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
- Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
- Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
- Restroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
- Lunch Breaks: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Submitted by Rick, Baton Rouge, La.
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So you think you know everything?
- A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- A snail can sleep for three years.
- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
- All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
Submitted by Pastor Faye, Littlestown, PA.
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| When the use of the phrase "Oh Crap" is acceptable ... Take 2
![[]](../../../pictures/2006/oc2.jpg)
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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Feb 3rd Humor Page
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