'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got  . . . you'll be paying all year!"

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales, there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared...

The wine and the rumballs, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to battle the dirt...
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter dressed like a man!"
So...away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...

But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot

Happy New Years to All and to All a Good Diet

T'was the week after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's -- all here!!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.

He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,

""Enjoy what you got ... you'll be paying all year!"

Day One: Dearest Bob, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a peartree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Violet

Day Two: Dearest Bob, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable. My everlasting love, Violet

Day Three: My Dear Bob, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist-you've been too, too kind. All my love, Violet

Day Four: Dear Bob, Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic. Love, Violet

Day Five: Dear Bob, What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings. One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on my nerves. Affectionately, Violet

Day Six: Bob, Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightfully so, and it is impossible to sleep through this racket. Now let this be the end of this. Cordially, Violet

Day Seven: Bob, What the hell's with you and these damn birds?!? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop with the racket. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy. Sincerely, Violet

Day Eight: OK Pal ! ! WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING? I THINK I PREFER THE DAMN BIRDS! THE IDIOT MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR STUPID COWS. THERE IS COW POOP ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD POOP ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET. JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMART ASS.

Day Nine: LISTEN DIRT BAG! YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW POOP. THIS AFTER CHASING THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE DAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME. UP YOURS !!!

Day Ten: YOU ROTTEN JERK! NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. NOW THE STUPID COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED. I'M CALLING THE POLICE !! I MEAN IT!

DAY ELEVEN: LISTEN SLIME BALL! NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING BEING BASHED BY NINE PIPERS WITH THEIR PIPES FOR TEN MILKING MAIDS!!! BY THE WAY. THE 60 MINUTES CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV. FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE DAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE BATTLE. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU !!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE! MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN

DAY TWELVE: LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habershan. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight! With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.