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| A woman
went into her kitchen to find a burglar ...
... loaded down with a bunch of stuff he
was stealing from her kitchen.
Not having any kind of weapon to
scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded
to quote scripture.
The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The
woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar
still frozen where he stood.
"What did you say to him that kept him from
moving?" they asked the woman.
She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38
and quoted scripture.
The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out
to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so
much?" they asked.
"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she
said she had an ax and two 38's!"
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My Little
Sister's Jokes,
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Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers
cramped and vision bleary
System manuals piled high and
wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, Still I sat there, doing
spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: It read, "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal
intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top
ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one - Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly
toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key -
But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I
pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation - Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own
machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died, "Oh no - my database!" I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data - nevermore!"
To this day I do not know the place to which
our data goes.
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - Well, I fear that it goes straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell - Your choice: Abort, Retry,
Ignore.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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My Little
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A Texas family of football supporters
head out one Saturday to the outlet mall ...
...
to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While
in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his
older sister, "I've decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to
wear this to school".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly
whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey
in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan
and I would like to buy this jersey".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks
him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!" Off he goes with
the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan
and I would like to buy this jersey".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his
son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen
in THAT JERSEY !"
About half an hour later they're all back in the
car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son,
I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
To which the son replies, "I've only been a
Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you Texans."
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Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills"
Airline
- You can't board the plane unless you have the
exact change.
- Before you take off, the stewardess tells you
to fasten your Velcro.
- The Captain asks all the passengers to chip
in a little for gas.
- When they pull the steps away, the plane
starts rocking.
- The Captain yells at the ground crew to get
the cows off the runway.
- You ask the Captain how often their planes
crash and he says, "Just once."
- No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps
flashing before your eyes.
- You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding
to be let off the plane.
- All the planes have both a bathroom and a
chapel.
Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Jan 8th Humor Page
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