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| A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week.
The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After
listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said
aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 41 "I got myself a new computer this week. I
got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno
"Are you folks excited about the 2008 presidential campaign? ... Hillary Clinton says that if she's elected, she will name her husband Bill Clinton a roving ambassador
to the world. ... Hmmm. Let me think about this. Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife? No, I can't see anything going wrong there." --David Letterman
"Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great, I love Pokemon.'"
--Conan O'Brien
"Some other world class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner. This is where politicians cut loose and
make fun of each other and themselves. Last year Stephen Colbert was the headliner, but he was a little bit too funny for their liking I guess, because this year, they went a slightly safer
route. They exhumed Rich Little to be the MC. ... Now, when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he's nowhere to be found." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached?
George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno
"President Bush was in town. ... He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue. It's part of his program 'No Cash Left Behind'" --David Letterman
"Bill Clinton announced he'll be flying to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia Boris Yeltsin. At least, that's what he's telling Hillary."
--Conan O'Brien
"Sheryl Crow was at the dinner to raise awareness of global warming, and she has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet
paper when they go to the bathroom. ... So in other words, don't ever shake Sheryl Crow's hand" --Jimmy Kimmel
Also
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| How Students Earn Their Desks
September of 2005, a social studies school teacher from Arkansas did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with permission of the school
superintendent, the principal, and the building supervisor, she took all of the desks out of the classroom.
The kids came into first period, they walked in; there were no desks.
They obviously looked around and said, "Where's our desks?"
The teacher said, "You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn them."
They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."
"No," she said.
"Maybe it's our behavior."
And she told them, "No, it's not even your behavior."
And so they came and went in the first period, still no desks in the classroom. Second period, same thing. Third period. By early afternoon television news crews had
gathered in the class to find out about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of the classroom. The last period of the day, the instructor gathered her class.
They were by this time sitting on the floor around the sides of the room.
She said, "Throughout the day no one has really understood how you earn the desks that sit in this classroom. Now I'm going to tell you."
She went over to the door of her classroom and opened it, and as she did 27 U.S. veterans, wearing their uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a
school desk. And they placed those school desks in rows, and then they stood along the wall. By the time they had finished placing the desks those kids, for the first time I think perhaps in
their lives, understood how they earned those desks.
Their teacher said, "You don't have to earn those desks. These guys did it for you. They put them out there for you, but it's up to you to sit here responsibly, to
learn, to be good students and good citizens, because they paid a price for you to have that desk, and don't ever forget it."
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
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| Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month.
The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to
God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. She dictated and I wrote:
Dear God,
Will you please take special care of our dog, Abbey? She died yesterday and is in heaven. We miss her very much. We are happy that you let us have her as our dog even
though she got sick. I hope that you will play with her. She likes to play with balls
and swim before she got sick. I am sending some pictures of her so that when you see her in heaven you will know she is our special dog. But I really do miss her.
Love,
Meredith Claire
PS: Mommy wrote the words after Meredith told them to her
We put that in an envelope with 2 pictures of Abbey, and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith stuck some stamps on the front
because, as she said, it may take lots of stamps to get a letter all the way to heaven and that afternoon I let her drop it into the letter box at the post office. For a few days, she would
ask if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had yesterday, we took the kids to Austin to a natural history museum. When we got back, there was a package wrapped in gold
paper on our front porch. Curious, I went to look at it. It had a gold star card on the front and said "To: Meredith" in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith took it in and opened it. Inside was a
book by Mr. Rogers, "When a Pet Dies." Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God, in its opened envelope (which was marked Return to Sender: Insufficient address).
On the opposite page, one of the pictures of Abbey was taped under the words "For Meredith." We turned to the back cover, and there was the other picture of Abbey, and this handwritten note on
pink paper:
"Dear Meredith,
I know that you will be happy to know that Abbey arrived safely and soundly in Heaven! Having the pictures you sent to me was such a big help. I recognized Abbey
right away. You know, Meredith, she isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me--just like she stays in your heart--young and running and playing. Abbey loved being your dog, you know.
Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets so I can't keep your beautiful letter. I am sending it to you with the pictures so that you will
have this book to keep and remember Abbey. One of my angels is taking care of this for
me. I hope the little book helps. Thank you for the beautiful letter . Thank your mother for sending it. What a wonderful mother you have! I picked her especially for
you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way,
I am wherever there is love.
Love,
God,
(and the special angel who wrote this after God told him the words.)
Submitted by Ann, Brooklyn, NY.
Read Pastor Wade's: Do Pets Go to Heaven?
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| Lawyers should never ask a
Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."
Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| The First IT Call - Download Video
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Clever ads ... Take 2
Bubblegum Billboard
FedEx Tee Shirt
Also submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
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May 2nd Humor Page
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