All at once there was a tapping on the window. The women screamed "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window.

The husband stared the car and shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour.

"Step on it!" shrieked the wife, "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window.

The husband shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour.

Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window.

"You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there."

"I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour.

About that time the redneck motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did.

"Say!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"

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• Anywhere you hang your @ is home.
• The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.
• A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
• You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
• Great groups from little icons grow.
• Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
• C:\ is the root of all directories.
• Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
• Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
• The modem is the message.
• Too many clicks spoil the browse.
• The geek shall inherit the earth.
• A chat has nine lives.
• Don't byte off more than you can view.
• Fax is stranger than fiction.
• What boots up must come down.
• Windows will never cease.
• In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
• Virtual reality is its own reward.
• Modulation in all things.
• A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
• There's no place like ( http://www.)home(.com)
• Know what to expect before you connect.
• Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
• Speed thrills.
• Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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... a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

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• A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
• Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
• The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
• The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
• A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.
• The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
 

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His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."
 

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For some strange reason, those who served seem to find this absolutely hilarious

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL
 

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Sept 28th Humor Page