The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?

The stately gentleman played 'straight & true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

• You can talk foreign so that nobody knows how much you charge for those cigarettes.
• You can raise prices every hour and everyone blames the oil companies.
• You sell the same cookies as the big stores for the same price, but there is only one-third as many inside.
• You can sell obsolete lottery tickets but it's okay--they lose anyway.
• For a joke, you can mix a little kerosene in with the Ethyl.
• You always have the oldest dated milk in the cooler, and its the last one left, so they have to take it.
• No matter what the question is from a customer, you cannot understand it.
• You manager is always out of the office when there is to be a complaint--he's in Bombay.
• You enjoy raising the prices on the pumps when these signs outside show the old prices.
• You make sure that the receipts on the machines don't work so they have to come inside to get one and buy other items.

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I had amnesia once -- or twice.
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
• Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
• If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
• What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• How can there be self-help 'groups'?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
• Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

If so, here are some suggestions for you to consider ...

• Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
• My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
• This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
• Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LO TS of money.
• A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
• Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
• Hi. Now YOU say something.
• Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.