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| Abraham had been dying for years, keeping his poor wife on edge with his demands ... ... and constant imprecations. Finally,
on his 89th birthday, he announced that he really was dying, and would not last the night. In fact he looked very ill, and the doctor had said the end was really close. None of the family believed this, it had happened so often, so only his wife was left to comfort him at the end.
Almost in keeping with the event, the weather suddenly became violent, with thunder, lightning and pelting rain. As he gazed up into his wife's eyes, Abraham said, "Sara, my dear, be a loving wife and call the priest, please."
"What, she yelped, "The Priest?!"
"Yes, my dear. Please."
"No, no, I'll call the rabbi."
"No, no, the priest!"
"Oh, no, no. On his deathbed my husband has joined the goyem, lost his senses, turned his back on his faith. Oh, Oh." And she burst into tears.
"There, there, my dear love. Call the priest. I would not trouble the rabbi on a night like this."
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.
While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.
But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back k seat of their cars stacked with bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-k now f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less."
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Pranks at the Office Take 2:
- Staple every unimportant paper on their desk together.
- If your target has a computer, reposition the monitor everyday.
- Fill an empty white out bottle with milk and replace it with your co-workers.
- If computer has speakers turn the volume all way up or way down depending on your mood.
- Taping down the switch hook buttons on a phone gets some interesting reactions. When the mark answers the phone keeps ringing.
- Program the mark's phone to forward to the office paging system -Ask, "ARE YOU GETTING FIRED? WELL, THAT'S THE RUMOR."
- Does your coworker have fish in the office? Take the fish and leave a ransom note.
- Pull the labeled buttons off of their phone and rearrange the order and put them back on their phone. When they come back, call them from your desk and watch them struggle to answer.
- Put transparent tape over the read out of a calculator. It makes the numbers blurry.
- By a package of approximately 200 of those little paper bathroom cups and neatly arrange them all over the subjects desk. Then staple them all together and fill them with water. See how long it takes them to figure out how to get rid of this set-up without spilling
water all over their paperwork, files, computer, etc...
- Does somebody smoke at work when they're not supposed to? Put Ambesol on the filter of their cigarettes. Watch as their lips and mouth go numb when they light up!
- Get Valerian Root capsules (at health food stores) and when co-worker is away from desk, take his phone apart and open a capsule or two of Valerian Root in the mouthpiece then replace. Guaranteed to smell terrible!
- At lunch, swap the worker's real food with look-a-like dog toys.
- If someone is applying for a job, call them back and leave a wrong number. They go crazy for a while until you call them back apologizing.
- Take some cellophane and open up the glue bottle. Put the cellophane across the opening, then close the bottle. Watch the victim try to squeeze glue out. They either open it up to check, or they squeeze to hard, breaking the cellophane and spraying glue everywhere.
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A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle . . .
. . . when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The boy said, "You got a deal."
The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
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Bad day at the rodeo ... - Download Video
Submitted by Neilex, Emmitsburg, Md.
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See son ... This is why I save these bits ...
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July 19th Humor Page
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