• In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
• In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
• In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.
• To keep any of the incarcerated beasts from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
• If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.
• Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.
• Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.
• The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. where disturbing them in the city limits is against the law.
• Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.
• Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!
• In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.
• If any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forewarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!
• It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.
• In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
• In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!

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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.

Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
 

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• My stigmata's acting up.
• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
• If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
• The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
• I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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Bill was having a really bad day on the golf course.

Right around the 14th hole, it seems he had missed one putt too many. He let loose with a fairly impressive string of profanities, grabbed his putter, and stormed off toward the lake by the 15th tee.

"Uh-oh," said his caddie to one of his playing partners, "There goes that club."

"You think so?" said his partner. "I've got five bucks says he misses the water!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:

• Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
• Join every free banner exchange.
• Get your own free-for-all links page.
• Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.
• Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.
• Hire a bulk e-mailer.
• Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

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June 9th Humor Page