Is your devotion to your cat and "cat things" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a- holic?" Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person," shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST "yes" answer to:

• Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?
• Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat's name by mistake?
• Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?"
• Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litterbox?
• Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?
• Last Christmas/Hanukkah, did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids?
• Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don't own any cats?
• Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?
• Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's sleeping in the very middle?
• Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?
• Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?
• Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?
• When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as "using the litterbox"?
• Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?
• Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?
• When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, "OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for even one second.
• Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with all the cats?"

How many did you answer "yes" to? I think just answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers determines the degree.

Your "Cat-ability" Score"

• 1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do better, but it's OK, you're learning.
• 5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.
• 9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.
• 14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here!)

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

• "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

• "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

• "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

• "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

• "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

• "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

• "I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:

  • Number one, 'Cover for me.'

  • Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'

  • Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'

• "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

• "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

• "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."

• "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

• "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?

• We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

• "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"

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• Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
• Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.
• My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
• A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
• They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
 

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My mother asked, "How do those car phones work when the sun goes down?"

I told her, "It's cellular, not solar."

"May I go swimming, Mommy?"

"No, you may not. There are sharks here."

"But Daddy's swimming."

"He's insured."

While getting dressed one morning, I decided I'd been spending too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. As a plumber, I'm delighted to see all these teenagers wearing low-rider jeans.

How long will it be until American universities learn that in most fields, their diplomas are now quite literally not worth the paper they are written on?
 

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June 25th Humor Page