Their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed their worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. You will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.

"The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

... when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. Because the trip has been long and quiet, he stops the car to let the Indian get in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat.

Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."

The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman.

• St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
• Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
• Dumerol: Can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
• Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
• Menicillin: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."
• Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
• Extra Strength Buy-one-all: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
• Jack Asspirin: Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
• Anti-talksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
• Ragamet: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

• The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73) .
• I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber
• Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
• You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. - Geri Jewell-
• A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow-
• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
• My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck
• Old age ain't no place for sissies. - Bette Davis
• A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. - Rhonda Hansome
• The phrase "working mother" is redundant. - Jane Sellman
• Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited
• Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
• Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
• I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine Aird
• When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley
• I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb . and I'm also not blonde. - Dolly Parton
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
• If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
• I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
• I think---therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
• Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man--if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
• I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. - Marie Corelli
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
• Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -E leanor Roosevelt
• Send this to five bright women you know and make their day. The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart. - St. Jerome

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So....what will it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Get real lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD! Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is GOOD in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all time and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map!"

... but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

"What's it called?" Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. Who's been eating my porridge?!!," he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

"It was Momma Bear who got up first, "It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house. "It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee, "It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away. "It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. "It was Momma Bear who set the table, "It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, And, now that you've decided to drag your lazy butts downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time....

"I Haven't Made the Damn Porridge Yet !!

... cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20---on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said......

"Clean my house."

• Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
• Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
• Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
• Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
• Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN tell the Difference!
• If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
• If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
• Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
• Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
• Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
• Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
• Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels.
• Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
• Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
• Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
• No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
• Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
• Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
• Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
• Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
• Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
• "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
• Adventures in Housekeeping I: let's Clean the Closet
• Adventures in Housekeeping II: let's Clean Under the Bed
• "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
• The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
• Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
• Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
• Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.

• when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
• when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
• I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu'. For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which 'feminine hygiene product' is a euphemism.
• when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
• I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
• I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger. I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?
• I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
• you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
• I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
• and this is, after all, the year 2002, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

• Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
• Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
• Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
• Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
• Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
• If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
• If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
• Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
• Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
• Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
• Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
• Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
• Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
• Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
• Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
• No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
• Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
• Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
• Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
• Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
• Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
• "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
• Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
• Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
• "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
• The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
• Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
• Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
• Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It!