...I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new Mercedes doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which, knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn me, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and disconnected an important call!!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had one to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."

• If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section, buy a dog.
• If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you, buy a dog.
• If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it, buy a dog.
• If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want, buy a dog.
• If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors, buy a dog.
• If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies, buy a dog.
• If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores, buy a dog.
• If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, with breasts or without, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually, buy a dog.
• But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, Buy a cat.

(Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental)

... and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name---they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh, God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

If you're not an "older woman" yet, this will give you encouragement! If you are an older woman and you didn't love Andy Rooney before, this may change your mind! He says: "As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

• An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
• An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her.
• An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
• Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
• Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.
• An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
• Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. She always knows.
• An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
• Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right of you are a jerk if you act like one.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity."

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What

setting do I use on the washing machine?"

I replied, "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Green Bay Packers."

Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha Stewart: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up eating it anyway

Martha Stewart: If you accidentally knock over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
Real Women: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha Stewart: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Real Women: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip:

Martha Stewart: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and other dishes.
Real Women: Leftover wine?

• What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? Shut the door!
• If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
• Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
• Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
• Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
• Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
• Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
• The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
• Sadly, all men are created equal.

• She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
• Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
• Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
• Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
• And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress - $5,000; Tux rental - $100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood, ALL the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or bolt.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• The same hair style lasts for years, maybe for decades.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

So there you have it!