• My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.

See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time

and is faithful. That's what I wish for. A good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again.

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! ?They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!? They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out?

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!

BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, and the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

He was immediately able to see the herds of bison, the watering holes, the other tribes, and everything a great warrior needed to see. his expression became ecstatic.

Seeing this, the younger warrior determined he would not be outdone. 'I would be wiser than the wisest warrior in the would!', he exclaimed.

He was immediately transformed into a woman.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."

Moral of the Story: Behind Every Man Is a Smart Woman!!

And... Men?

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

• Inside every older person is a younger person - - wondering what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong
• Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
• The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73)
• I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber
• Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
• A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow
• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
• My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck
• Old age ain't no place for sissies. - Bette Davis
• A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. - Rhonda Hansome
• The phrase "working mother" is redundant. - Jane Sellman
• Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited
• Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
• Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
• I try to take one day at a time - - but sometimes several days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited
• If you can't be a good example - - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine
• When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley
• I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb - - and I'm also not blonde. - Dolly Parton
• If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
• I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler-
• Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
• Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. - Eleanor Roosevelt
• "Tell A man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he'll have to touch to make sure".

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can really never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99- cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.