We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crazies ...

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.

Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we peed our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB/GYN says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. "Just one more good push" (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, Including the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

Men think women are the "weaker sex?" 

Yeah..... right..... Bite me.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women. They all board the train.

The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets, knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late.. I think I'll go to bed"

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed."

And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...? Cause we are made for the long haul ... we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect."

• Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
• A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ... and then they marry him!
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

• Class 1: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
• Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
• Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
• Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
• Class 5: After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
• Class 6: Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.
• Class 7: Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
• Class 8: Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
• Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
• Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.
• Class 11: Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
• Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.
• Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
• Class 14: The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

• Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.
• Airhead (er*hed) n.: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
• Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.: You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."
• Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.: Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
• Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.: Gotta get married in a church.
• Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.: An appliance designed to eat socks.
• Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.: A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
• Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.: The last two minutes of a football game.
• Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
• Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.
• Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
• Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.: Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
• Childbirth (child*brth) n.: You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."
• Lipstick (lip*stik) n.: On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
• Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
• Patience (pa*shens) n.: The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
• Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.: Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
• Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.: A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.