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Twas the Night Before Christmas ...
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except me and my spouse
The stockings were empty, no presents were wrapped
We were way behind schedule and our resources tapped
The children were nestled all snug in the beds,
While the horrors of assembling danced in our heads
Dad armed with a screwdriver, ready and poised
To build a red trike for one of our boys.
When off in the hall there arose a strange noise
We dove over boxes to hide all the toys
The thud, it turned out, was our dumb puppy Paul
Who was chasing the cat and ran into the wall
Back to his task, Dad cursed at his mess
I suspect he was lost, but he'd never confess
He wrestled with parts and fumbled with tools
Emailed the manufacturer and called them all fools
After hours of struggle, the bike finally took shape,
With a few cuts and bruises and the aid of duct tape
He stood back and gaped at the bike he just built
It weaved and it wobbled and rolled with a tilt.
His frustration grew; his voice shook as he spoke
"The directions are Greek, it's all a sick joke."
At this point he snapped, his thinking unclear
He'll do something stupid; this was my big fear.
He grabbed each toy's instructions, oh why won't he learn,
Tossed them into the fire, chanting "burn baby burn"
"Burn Disney, burn Huffy, to blazes with you
Burn Fisher Price, Playskool and Hasbro, too"
As smoke filled the room, this was his first clue
That in a moment of haste, he had neglected the flue
To the top of the mantle, to the top of the wall
A black cloud developed and ash settled on all
Soot landed on stockings and covered the tree
And gave a look of charcoal to all we could see
The firemen came, dressed in yellow, like sun
Seems the neighbors saw smoke and dialed 9-1-1
Out came the axe, out came the hoses
Out came a Dalmatian who trampled my roses.
"There's no trouble here," I swore up and down
Realizing this faux pas would soon be 'round town
"My husband's a good man," I tried to explain
"The instructions weren't clear. It drove him insane"
The fire chief nodded and gathered his crew
Hopped onto their truck and away they all flew
But I heard them converse as they drove out of sight
"Her husband's the third jerk who's done that tonight!"
Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.
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Ways We're Different This Christmas
- Last Christmas we were thinking about all the things we didn't have; This Christmas we're thinking about all the things we do have.
- Last Christmas we were placing wreaths on the doors of our homes; This Christmas, we're placing wreaths on the graves of our heroes.
- Last Christmas we were counting our money; This Christmas we're counting our blessings.
- Last Christmas we were lighting candles to decorate; This Christmas we are lighting candles to commemorate.
- Last Christmas we were digging deep into our bank accounts to find the money to fly home for the holidays; This Christmas we are digging deep into our souls to find the courage to do so.
- Last Christmas we thought a man who could rush down a football field was a hero; This Christmas we know that a man who rushes into a burning building is the real one.
- Last Christmas we were getting on each other's nerves; This Christmas we are getting on our knees.
- Last Christmas we were giving thanks for gifts from stores; This Christmas we are giving thanks for gifts from God.
- Last Christmas we were thinking how good it would feel to be affluent; This Christmas we are thinking how good it feels to be alive.
- Last Christmas we thought angels were in heaven; This Christmas we know some are right here on earth.
- Last Christmas we believed in the power of the pocket book; This Christmas we believe in the power of prayer.
- Last Christmas we valued things that were costly; This Christmas we value things that are holy.
- Last Christmas the people we idolized wore football, basketball, and baseball uniforms; This Christmas the people we idolize wear police, firefighters, and military uniforms.
Last Christmas "peace on earth" is something we prayed for on Sunday mornings; Now it is something we pray for everyday.
Last Christmas people around the world gathered to celebrate family and faith; This Christmas people around the world will gather to celebrate family and faith.
And this year, as we continue this age-old tradition, We will understand, as never before, the meaning and magic of each.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| Memo from Santa Claus:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
- There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
- Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
- Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
- You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
- "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
- As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with
lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
- The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
- Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
- And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those
song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
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| I hate this time of year because it's the season when the food police come out . . .
. . . with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and
cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure
you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
- About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate
of food and that vat of eggnog.
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like
a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year and Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night; The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight!
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those idiots from IRS sent
me a letter! They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny! Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money!
And the kids these days - they all are the pits: They want the impossible ... Those mean little rats! I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads. I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them. They want
computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees. Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees. I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...and the reason is simple: I found me a blonde.. And I'm SOUTH for the season!!
Submitted by Lisa, Damascus, Md.
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10 Sure Fire Ways To get on Santa's bad side
- Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants
- Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
- Build an army of snowmen on the roof, holding signs - 'Bah Humbug' and 'Bite me Santa.'
- Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
- While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
- Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, 'Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.'
- Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
- While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
- Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, 'Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!' and fire a gun.
- Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, 'This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.'
Submitted by Alicia, Emmitsburg, Md.
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One particular Christmas season, a long, long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. . . . But there were problems everywhere.
Four of the elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce toys nearly as quickly as the regular elves, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of falling behind schedule.
Next, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa out even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer for the big flight, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
More STRESS.
Then, Santa began to load the sleigh, but one of the boards cracked! The toy bag fell through to the ground, scattering toys everywhere.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house to have a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he got to the cupboard, Santa realized that the elves had hidden all of the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the coffee pot and sent it
shattering to the floor. It broke into hundreds of tiny pieces.
Santa went to the closet to get the broom, but discovered that mice had eaten all of the straw, leaving only the handle.
Just at that very moment, the doorbell rang. Santa cussed all the way to the door. He opened the door, and standing there in front of him was a little angel with a big Christmas tree.
Very Cheerfully, the angel said, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful Christmas tree here, just for you. Don't you think it's just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
. . . . . . And, thus began our tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.
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| Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration . . .
. . ., and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."
Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
- Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
- Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
- Dementia: I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
- Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
- Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and......
- Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
- Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
- Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
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