A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

From us ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee"), please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all ... and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:

• This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal
• This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
• This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
• This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
• This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
• The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor
• Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

• Eggnog. Hideously fattening; leads to coronary artery disease. When "spiked" it incites the drinker to turn to more dangerous holiday beverages, including mulled wine, hard cider and schnapps.
• Decorations. Broken glass ornaments can lead to fatal bleeding in hemophiliacs. Strings of lights offer unusual electrocution opportunities. Extravagant outdoor lighting displays can cause automobile pileups on the street and/or blindness. Live animals in a manger might bite children.
• Carols. Hypothermia risk. Certain high notes are hard to hit, causing embarrassment, stress and other harbingers of early death. Religious themes of carols could prove offensive to some listeners and inadvertently trigger a clash of civilizations.
• Sledding. Involves a kinetic event that would more properly be described as skidding. Any close analysis will reveal that sleds not only have poor traction but are expressly designed to have minimal grip on a slick surface. Should be every bit as illegal as dangling a baby from a balcony.
• Hearths. The ultimate fire hazard. People often use them to have open fires, complete with exploding embers that can land on furniture, on heavily gelled hair or even on a small furry pet that could suddenly go FOOF! and turn into the Yowling Fireball of Doom.
• Menorahs. Still more open fire. Why not just pass around blowtorches and cans of gasoline?
• Artificial Christmas trees. Fairfax County assistant fire marshal Mike Reilly, defending the ban on cut trees, said Tuesday: "I just put up my nine-foot artificial tree. I don't think it's a major inconvenience when you look at the risks." Obviously, plastic Christmas trees are growing to enormous size these days, and anyone who stands under a nine-foot colossus runs the risk of being crushed.
• Gifts. Small gifts are a choking hazard. Large gifts lead to hernias. Coal in the stocking of a person who has been bad poses a severe fire risk. CDs have wrapping that requires the use of knives and scissors in a manner that can lead to the loss of a finger. Shopping leads to excessive debt, anxiety and compensatory high-risk behaviors such as smoking, heavy drinking and attempted gift returns. Improper gift-buying, such as when a well-meaning male gives his sweetheart something unromantic, like a Dustbuster, or a 52-piece socket wrench set, or a jumbo can of Dr. Scholl's Foot Deodorant Spray, can lead to domestic violence.
• Mistletoe. The number of unwanted pregnancies resulting from the placement of mistletoe on the ceiling and over doorways has never been properly calculated, but is surely astronomical. Tongues are a choking hazard.
• Shopping mall Santas. A strange man wearing a disguise who asks small children to sit in his lap. You make the call.
• Reindeer. Lyme disease vectors.
• Elves. Ideology and political allegiance unknown. Terror risk?"

This morning I heard a story on the radio of a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable. And after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year. Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, making sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot.

"From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet calm voice respond, "Don't worry we already crucified him."

For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

Don't forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas thing in your every thought, deed, purchase, and word. If we all did it, just think of how different this whole world would be.

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales, there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared...

The wine and the rumballs, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to battle the dirt...
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter dressed like a man!"
So...away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...

But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot

Happy New Years to All and to All a Good Diet

She bought it at a five and dime, when I was only three. Each year we'd trim our Christmas tree, with lights and ornaments. Then Mom would always tell me, what the Angel represents.

The Angels came to tell the shepherds, of the Christ Child's birth. And, Angels are still here with us, to guide us here on earth. The Angel on our Christmas tree, was made in such a way. That if the light inside burned out, you just threw it away.

The light burned out when I was twelve, the Angel would not shine. But, Mom would not throw it away, she said it looked just fine. She loved that little Angel, that she put upon our tree. She said it didn't need a light, for anyone to see.

Then I grew up, and I moved out to start my family. And, I'd go home at Christmas time, to help her trim her tree. My wife and children went with me, to mom's house every year. The house was filled with love and joy, as we shared Christmas cheer.

The kids would always say to her, "The Angel is burned out." Then, she would smile and tell them, what the Angel's all about. She told another reason, for it's specialty. Your daddy picked that Angel out, when he was only three.

My mother passed away this year, early in the spring. And then I had the painful task, of going through her things. The beautiful old house she owned, was left me in her will. We moved back in the summertime, we feel her in it still.

Early in December, we brought out our Christmas tree. I went up to the attic, just to see what I could see. I saw a cardboard box, with markings, "Ornaments and stuff." And in it was the little Angel, that she loved so much.

I brought the cardboard box downstairs, and showed the family. Then they persuaded me to put the Angel on our tree. We trimmed the tree that weekend, and we talked of Christmas past. Then when the tree was finally done, the Angel went on last.

Every night till Christmas, all the lights were burning bright. Except the little Angel, that had long burned out her light. Then on Christmas morning, I arose before the rest. I had to have my coffee, to be at my very best.

I walked into the living room, my coffee cup in hand. Then what I saw, so puzzled me, I could not understand. I just stood in silence, as, my eyes filled up with tears. The little angel was all aglow, that had been dark for many years.

The kids were in bed, ...we had nine at the time,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.

A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned,
All ten dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin' of dogs and guns,
for hunt'en God's creatures, .....there's no better fun!

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
to getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I just wanted my pickup down off the blocks.

Then out in the yard, such a noise did commence,
like something was caught in our new 'bobwar' fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
the man makin' that racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick.

You may think of Santa in your own mind's eye,
dressed in a red and white suit, but, I've got a surprise.

That old boy's an Arkie, from up near Mt. Gaylor,
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up to Razorback pigs!

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I must admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, His shirt said "Lite Beer",
he had no red hat on, but his cap read "John Deere".

He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and away in the night.

He fell in the yard, threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, "Get the heck out th' way!"

I ran out to ask him Why he brought such good cheer;
But instead he just asked me, "Did you get you a deer?"

Then I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
"Merry Christmas to all..... an to all, a good night!"

... had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets!

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar'!".

... It was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.

By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the Dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the Dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

1. There are approximately 2 billion children in the world. Since Santa does not visit Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist children, this reduces the workload to 15 per cent of the total, or 378 million. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes.
    
2. Thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, Santa has about 31 hours to work with. This works out to 967.7 visits per second and a total trip of 75.5 million miles. So Santa's sleigh has to move at 650 miles per second.
    
3. Assuming that each child gets only a medium-sized Lego set (2lb), the sleigh is carrying more than 500,000 tons. A reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even if the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times that, Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload another 54,000 tons.
    
4. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each; they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa would be subjected to a centrifugal force of 17,500 Gs. A 250lb Santa (which seems ludicrously light) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015lb of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs.
    
5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now

...  I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'. I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest. This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need! My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing. Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging. Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done; My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;

Then in walks my husband, spilling drink on the floor. He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; then grins as he chuckles, "The egg nog is ready!" He looks all around and with total regret, says, "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet?!!!!"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life! He flees from the room in terror and pain and screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

OK! Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh darn it's the pies! They're burned all to hell! I hate to admit when I make a mistake, but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead. Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out, in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!