Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?'' he yelled.

The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''
 

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I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
 

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Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl
 

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• All clothing rules such as matching and ironing are null and void during a power outage and it is extremely rude to point out that navy blue pants, black shoes and a dark gray t-shirt don't really go together. Everything matches when it's pitch black in side your closet and nothing looks wrinkled in the dark.
• If you are fortunate enough to have power, you should not fix your hair until all of your co-workers also have power. Nothing is more irritating to those of us with flat, straight hair than to sit next to Miss Bouncy Hair who had the advantage of a working hair dryer, curling iron, and hot rollers in a heated bathroom.
• If your power comes back on but your neighbor’s has not, it is in very poor taste to turn on all 100,000 of your outdoor Christmas lights. Give it a rest. We are sitting in the dark burning our last remaining candle and the glow of your Christmas lights across the street is not giving us a warm, fuzzy feeling.
• If you have power, don't ask the have-nots "Did you see the news last night?" or "Did you watch Law and Order? It was the best show ever."
• Don't call in to work to say you're running a few minutes late because the homemade cookies in your oven are not quite done. And don't come to work without at least 2 dozen of them.
• You power (P) people stop telling us non-power (NP) people to stay warm. What don't you understand about "WE DON'T HAVE POWER". There is no way to stay warm!
• Don't be asking "What's that smell" when you are sitting next to a non-power person. Showers are a luxury that the NP's do not have unless one of you P's wants to give us access to yours.

Submitted by Paul, in icebound, Oklahoma City, OK

Mike's note:  Having just spent three days without power, I've a few other items to add:

If you have the foresight to have a portable generator and live in the county ...

• Don't tell your wife you're truing it off at 11 pm to 'give it a rest' ... tell her the manufacture requires it to be shutdown for 6 hours every 18 hours.
• Have a video of Green Acres in standby ... give it to your wife when she asks why she can't run the dryer, dishwasher and TV at the same time.  Don't try to do it yourself.
• Don't ask your wife not to take a Cinderella shower to prevent unnecessary cycling of the water pump.  Instead use the opportunity while she's in the shower to turn everything off she turned on while you were out resetting the generators' breaker.

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The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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GM: General Maintenance

GMC:

• Garage Man’s Companion
• Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA:

• Had One, Never Did Again
• Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI:

• Hope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive
• MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE:

• Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
• Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB:

• Send Another Automobile Back
• Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW: Virtually Worthless

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• There is a bus with 7 Girls
• Each girl carries 7 bags
• Inside each bag there is 7 cats
• Every cat has 7 kittens
• All cats have 4 legs each

Question: How many legs are in the bus?

*The number of legs will be your password for the attachment. If you succeed in opening the file make sure you write your name, that will  prove you did your math correctly.  Then pass it on!

Download attachment

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
 

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• In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
• In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
• In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
• In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
• On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
• Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
• In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
• In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

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... only to learn that it is completely sold out. He finds an usher and pleads with him,

"You must help me, I am a HUGE theater fan. I've been to every opening night performance at this theater for twenty years. I can't bear to miss this play, is there any possible way you can find me a seat?"

The usher says he'll see what he can do.

A few minutes later the usher returns and tells the man he has found him a vacant seat. He leads him inside the theater to be seated.

A few moments later the man is waving for the usher again.

He whispers to the usher, "This play is a mystery, and I love mysteries. But I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher manages once again to find the man a seat, this time in the second row. As he seats him, the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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... when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.

All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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The defense lawyer asked the old man, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes,"? said the old man.  "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks the old man: "this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

?"Yes,"? said the old ma.  "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

The old man thinks for a few moments then says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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... was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to prick my finger till it bleeds," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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... and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

 Everyone loved it.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Man!! And all these years I've been chewing gum.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Despite being blonde, he had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.

Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria" - and singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor.

"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they called?"

"It's - The Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
 

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... kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... Walked home... And left it there all night.

You Gotta love George.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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All at once there was a tapping on the window. The women screamed "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window.

The husband stared the car and shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour.

"Step on it!" shrieked the wife, "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window.

The husband shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour.

Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window.

"You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there."

"I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour.

About that time the redneck motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did.

"Say!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England 
 

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The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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