"It takes considerable time and technique," replied the guard with a wink. "First you must take her into the water, stand very close behind her then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." interrupted the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

• Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.
• Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
• Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.
• Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night. 

"I, (State your name here) swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy wouldn't take me because I can't swim. I swear to wear camouflage every day and tuck me trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my..er..."basic training" I will a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip back home from boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9Th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay at home because if I let her out, she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God"

   __________________            /    / __ 
           Signature                    Date

US AIR FORCE

"I (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know that I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of the fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean,donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-Borne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday. So Help Me God!"

   __________________            /    / __ 
           Signature                    Date

US COAST GUARD

"I (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know that being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. i understand that at least twice a day, someone will refer to me as a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of nature's storm, and receive no thanks or notice from the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks and then be heckled by then same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed stepchild to all the other services, although I know that I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a 2 hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached. So Help Me God!"

   __________________            /    / __ 
           Signature                    Date

US NAVY

"I Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines, without actually having to BE one of them, because I think that the Air Force is too "corporate" because I didn't want to actually live in the dirt like the Army and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim....why not?"

I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during the summer, and for a Nazi Waffen SS in the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head" when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in the wall, and toilet". I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia and everything else for that matter, are completely different than the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am a buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per physical year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new found "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

   __________________            /    / __ 
           Signature                    Date

US MARINE CORPS

"I (pick a name that the police won't recognize), swear..uhh...high-and-tight...grunt...cammies....kill...fix bayonets...charge..slash...dig...burn....blowup...ugh...Air Force women....beer...sailors wife...air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey...liberty call...salute...Ooorah Gunny...grenades..women...OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

______________    ____________________
   Thumb print               Teeth Marks

"Barney's Circus with Fifty Elephants."

He counted the elephants as they crossed the intersection. When he got to fifty, he put his car in gear and started to cross the intersection because he was late for an appointment.

Unfortunately, he had miscounted and his car hit and killed the last elephant.

A week later he got a notice from the circus that he'd have to pay $200,000. He called the circus manager and inquired, "What's the deal? I only killed one lousy elephant! Why do you want $200,000?"

The manager responded, "It's true, you only killed one elephant, but you pulled the tails out of forty-nine others!"

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy,

"What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

... when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose ..
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beaten up?!!"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station.

The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..."

The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"

The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."

"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"

The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood! I'm just farting around."

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. 'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite

bothersome.'

'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.'

'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?'

'They said, 'Good morning, General.'

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic

This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.

A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."