• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
• You start using smileys in your snail mail.
• You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
• You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
• You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)

• Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
• Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
• Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
• Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
• Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
• Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks.
• A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
• Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
• Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
• If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
• Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
• Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

• State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
• Obsolete: Any computer you own.
• Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
• G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."
• Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
• Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
• GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.
• Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
• Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
• Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
• Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
• Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
• System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.

"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning.

We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.

He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future.

The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

• When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
• When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
• The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
• When the going gets tough, upgrade.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
• He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
• A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
• The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
• A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

• When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
• You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
• Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
• You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
• You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
• You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
• You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
• At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
• After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
• Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?" ..

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows Vista Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

• CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
• PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
• ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
• SCSI: System Can't See It
• MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
• DOS: Defunct Operating System
• WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
• OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
• PnP: Plug and Pray
• APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
• IBM: I Blame Microsoft
• DEC: Do Expect Cuts
• MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
• CA: Constant Acquisitions
• COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
• LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
• MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
• AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
• WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

• Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
• You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
• You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
• Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
• You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
• Your dog has his own webpage.
• So does your hamster.
• When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

• Your children are named Outlook, Thunderbird and dotcom.
• You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
• You find yourself typing "com" after every period, when using a word processor. COM
• You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
• You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
• You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
• Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
• This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
• Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
• This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
• To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
• COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
• Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
• WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
• User Error: Replace user.
• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
• Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.

'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that ..... In case I need to fix it again?'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric...

Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?

We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:

• Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
• Check e-mail more than five times a day?
• Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
• Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
• Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
• Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
• Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
• Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
• See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
• All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.

• ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
• APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
• IBM = I Blame Microsoft
• DEC = Do Expect Cuts
• CA = Constant Acquisitions
• CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
• OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
• SCSI = System Can't See It
• DOS = Defunct Operating System
• BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
• WWW = World Wide Wait
• MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs