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| A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen
Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce ... ... at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he
yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds
it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?"
"Check this out ... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "You Got Me out of the Shower to Tell Me That?!"
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are
all trying to prove who is the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they
conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it
coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md
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| The continuing adventures of the time traveler stuck here in
2003 ... Hello:
I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003. Upon arriving here my dimensional warp generator stopped working. I trusted a company here by the name of LLC lasers to repair
my generation 3 52 4350a watch unit, and they fled on me. I am going to need a new DWG unit, preferably the rechargeable AMD wrist watch model with the grc79 induction motor, four i80200 warp
stabilizers, 512gb of SRAM and the menu driven GUI with front panel XID display.
I will take whatever model you have in stock, as long as its received certification for being safe on carbon based life forms.
In terms of payment:
I don't have any galactic credits left. Payment can be made in platinum gold or 2003 currency upon safe delivery of unit.
Instructions must be followed exactly:
Please transport unit in either a brown paper bag or box to below coordinates on Thursday august 7th at (exactly 4:00pm) eastern standard time on the dot. A few minutes
prior will be ok, but it cannot be after. If you miss this timeframe please email me. i will not be there prior to 4:45pm EST, so do not transport before then.
Item is to be delivered at (out of service basketball court) located at: latitude n 42.47935 & longitude w 071.17355 and the elevation is 119 feet.
Warning: do not attempt to transport item by regular means of teleportation. They are monitoring and will redirect the signal!!
I do not care how you have to get it here, just do it in a way that no spying eyes will possibly be able to redirect the transference. It is very important that you be
able to monitor the transfer.
How are you going to send it so that they cannot redirect it? if in doubt do not transport actual unit until your method of transfer can be confirmed as a
success. You just might need to send a intergalactic courier to deliver item safely to me. if so be very careful at how they approach me in my white car.
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| I'm a time traveler stuck
here in 2003. Upon arriving here my dimensional warp generator stopped working.
I trusted a company here by the name of LLC Lasers to repair my Generation 3 52 4350A watch unit, and they fled on me. I am going to need a new DWG unit,
preferably the rechargeable AMD wrist watch model with the GRC79 induction motor, four I80200 warp stabilizers, 512GB of SRAM and the menu driven GUI with front panel XID display.
I will take whatever model you have in stock, as long as its received certification for being safe on carbon based life forms.
In terms of payment: I don't have any Galactic Credits left. Payment can be made in platinum gold or 2003 currency upon safe delivery of unit. Please transport unit in
either a brown paper bag or box to below coordinates on Sunday July 27th at (exactly 3:00pm) Eastern Stand Time. If you miss this timeframe please email me.
42.4845467 & Longitude -71.1576157 and the ground is 101.3' above sea level. Although those coordinates are a secure guarded area, these channels through email are
never secure. Unfortunately it is the only form of communication I have right now. There is a good chance that somebody will try to redirect the signal. The unit must be teleported directly in
a way that nobody will be able to interfere with the transference.
After unit has been sent please email me with payment instructions.
Thank You
Editors note: We have no idea who the author of the above is ... we'll keep posting
his e-mails until he is returned to his own time/dimension/ or world ...
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| A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day.
It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of
ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the Priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.
Submitted by Dr. Patty, Ringos, NJ
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| Editor's note: I received the e-mail below the other day for an unidentified source ... at first I thought it was the usual spam,
then I took a closer look at it ...
Greetings:
We need a vendor who can offer immediate supply. I'm offering $5,000 US dollars just for referring a
vender which is (Actually RELIABLE in providing the below equipment) Contact details of vendor required, including name and phone #. If they turn out to be reliable in supplying the below
equipment I'll immediately pay you $5,000. We prefer to work with vendor in the Boston/New York area.
- The mind warper generation 4 Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with z80 or better memory adapter. If in stock the AMD
Dimensional Warp Generator module containing the GRC79 induction motor, two I80200 warp stabilizers, 256GB of SRAM, and two Analog Devices isolinear modules, This unit also has a menu driven
GUI accessible on the front panel XID display. All in 1 units would be great if reliable models are available
- The special 23200 or Acme 5X24 series time transducing capacitor with built in temporal displacement. Needed with complete jumper/auxiliary system
- A reliable crystal Ionizor with unlimited memory backup.
- I will also pay for Schematics, layouts, and designs directly from the manufacture which can be used to build this equipment from readily available parts.
If your vendor turns out to be reliable, I owe you $5,000.
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| An office manager was given the task of hiring
an individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and
their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." As he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the
barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.
Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the
light, I'd messed my pants!"
He got the job.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| Four ladies are having coffee together,
discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, ‘My God...’."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| A woman goes into Wal Mart to buy a rod and reel for
her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal Mart associate is standing
there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. test line.
It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00. "
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on he counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but
then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but ..... the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| A woman was having a passionate affair with an
inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the
closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little bastards."
Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.
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A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when
he notices a little girl next door ...
... in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the wagon
tied to a dog and a cat. The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fireman says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," The
fireman says: "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think he could pull more."
The little girl replied: "You're probably right, sir, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Submitted by Patty, Ringos, NJ
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| A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him ...
... and as he sits down, the waitress comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," she says, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change
for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every
time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you
live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir. What's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
Submitted by Kate, Charleston, S.C.
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Here's a quick explanation of modern military terms:
- Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up."
- Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small."
- Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders."
- Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs."
- Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours."
- Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim"
- Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving"
- Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up"
- An Asset is "something that can be blown up"
- Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"
Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.
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