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| Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border.
Checkpoint Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts with disbelief "Look at the papers: This car is designed to carry five persons".
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law"
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!".
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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| As an animal welfare inspector was about to enter a shop to buy lunch
... ... he noticed a parked car with two penguins sitting on the back seat. They looked to be in good health, but this was totally illegal, so
when he went into the shop he asked who owned the car outside.
"I do," said a young man.
"Listen, son," Said the inspector, "You've got two penguins in the back of your car. That's right, isn't it?"
"Well, yeah, I found them wandering along the foreshore an hour ago. What's wrong with that?"
"Well, it's illegal, and dangerous for them. I'm an inspector, and I could book you on the spot, but as you didn't know about them I'll give you a chance if
you promise to take them to the zoo immediately. They know how to look after them. OK?"
"Sure, I'll do it now. Didn't know they were protected, though."
He drove off, but the following day the inspector saw the same car in the same spot. Being a bit suspicious he went to investigate. Sure enough the penguins
were still in the back, but this time they were wearing sunglasses. Storming into the shop he grabbed the young man by the arm and said "OK, you young idiot, you're under arrest. I told you to
take them to the zoo yesterday, but they're still in the back of your car. You're booked."
"Look, mister," he replied, "they had such a good time at the zoo I reckoned I'd take then to the beach today. What's wrong with that?"
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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| A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night ..
... when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
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| An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wanted to go to the Olympics
... ... but when they got there they realized they didn't have anywhere near enough money to get in. The Scot, ever inventive, said "Look, lads,
we can get in for nothing if we're competitors. All we have to do is find something that we can show the officials as being part of our sport, say the the country we represent, and in we go."
They agreed it was the only way, and set out to get some gear. They couldn't afford to buy any, but at the back of the stadium they saw the workmen had not cleared away the extra bits used for
the barriers.
The Englishman got a bright idea, and picked up a length of spare metal pipe, going to the gate and saying, "I'm in the English Javelin team." They told him to go ahead.
The Scotsman arrived with a large round chunk of cement, told them he was a Scottish shot-put entrant, and in he went too.
Finally the Irishman arrived with a roll of wire mesh from a barricade over his shoulder.
"Where are you from, what are you competing in?" asked the official.
"Irish. Fencing." was his terse reply.
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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| It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman ...
..., with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked
what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16
tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get,
and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free
groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A guy goes to a proctologist ... ... and says "Doc, I'm feeling a
bit uncomfortable down below. Would you take a look?"
He does. "Incredible!" He exclaims. "There's a $20 note lodged there." He eases it out with some forceps, and immediately a $10 note appears. "This is
amazing", he says. "What do you want me to do?"
"Yeah, well take it out, please, doc, would you?"
He does, and notes continue to appear one after the other, all of which he removes. Finally there are no more.
"Ah, Thanks, doc, I'm feeling much more comfortable now. Out of interest, just how much was there all together?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "Exactly $1990."
"Ah," replies the guy. That explains it...... (wait for it) "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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| A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my
wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through your change."
Submitted also by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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| The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist Two doctors opened an
office in a small town and put up a sign, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to, "Dr's Smith & Jones, Hysterias and Posteriors.
"This was not acceptable, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to, "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." No go.
They tried, "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then, "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Not good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
At their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: " Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.", - acceptable.
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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| This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell
would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She
told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she
looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants
and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into
the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the
matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, I think I got most of
them back in."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
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| A doctor set up a one man practice in a small country town.
After a few days of getting to know the people and hiring a nurse, he dropped into the local pub for a drink about 6 one evening. He was greeted warmly by the
publican, who he told he would like to come in each day after surgery just to unwind, one drink, read the paper, go home.
"Absolutely," said the owner. "See that table there? From 6 each day until you leave its yours. Perhaps you'd care to stay for a home cooked dinner as well?"
The doctor agreed this sounded like a good idea. "What do you drink?" he was asked.
"Well, it's a bit unusual," replied the doctor, "but I like almond daiquiris."
"Hum," said the barman, "can't do that today, but could we start tomorrow?"
So that was agreed, and every week day for the next two weeks the doctor got his drink, his meal, the paper, and some relaxation. Just before six one day the barman realized he had forgotten
to order more almond essence, and scoured the kitchen to find some - but to no avail. All he found was an old bottle of hickory essence they had used on a Christmas ham; not wanting to
disappoint the doc, he thought this might do instead, so added some to the spirit and presented it to his well regarded customer.
The doctor took one sip, spluttered, and said, "What the heck is this!"
"That'" replied the barman with a grin, "is a hickory daiquiri, doc."
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia.
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| A couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to
an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without
hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the
registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
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| The Mayor of New Orleans denied rumors that Mardi Gras will be
cancelled.... ... He said he expects a record number of floats this year.
- Five black men in purple dinner jackets and bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumor
has it that they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
- Eric Burden and The Animals are re-releasing their earlier hit, which begins, "There was a house in New Orleans..."
- Two plane loads of volunteers left Detroit, Michigan, today, bound for New Orleans to assist in the looting.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
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| A driver of a huge trailer lost control
and plowed into an empty tollbooth , smashing it to pieces.
He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a
half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get
a six-pack, bring it home ... ... and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last
beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug
punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee'd in the groin and hit behind
the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the
living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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