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| The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
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| A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.
Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those
drums."
The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those
drums."
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| An explorer in the deepest Amazon ... ...suddenly found himself surrounded by a
bloodthirsty group of natives.
Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm history."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not history. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front
of you."
So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with
looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, NOW you're history"
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news."
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A person was visiting
Washington, DC for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol building... ... the person asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me,
officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"
The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached
almost all the time.
The Midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The Doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The
doctor stood him up on to the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to
check for a hernia."Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the Doctor once more, and reached for his surgical
scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?
"The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
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Two guys meet up in a bar. The
first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Whoa, what the happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through
the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we
have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and
breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him -- he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the
banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached
for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned him all up."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the
light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the heck did Mike die?"
"I shot him."
"You shot him? What the heck did you shoot him for?"
"The man was destroying my house!"Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| I was recently riding with a friend of mine.
We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.
We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.
We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why'd You Do That?!"
He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, PA.
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A
stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff-looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading. How 'bout you?"
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I killed two priests."Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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Let the Groaning begin!
- I went into a pet shop, and asked "can I buy a goldfish?" The man in the shop said "do you want an aquarium?" I said, I don't care what star sign it is!"
- I met a man today who told me that he invented the crossword puzzle. I can't remember his name, but it was P something T something R!
- I telephoned the local ramblers club today, and the person that answered the phone just went on and on and on and on!
- I told my wife that there was a job going at the local bowling alley. "Tenpin?" she asked. "No" I replied, "I think it's full time."
- I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said "nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" .... He said "you're the closest!"
- I rang the local gym, and asked whether they could teach me to do the splits. "How flexible are you?" they asked ...... "Well I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays"
And finally ...
- I asked the railway booking clerk for a train ticket to Paris. "Eurostar?" he asked ......"Well, I've been on tv, but I'm no Frank Sinatra!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.
When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.
"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| The old Indian chief called for the two
bravest warriors in the tribe. "Running Buffalo, Falling Rocks, you go and seek buffalo skins. Whichever of you returns with the most skins will become my
right hand man and will be the next chief."
A month later, Running Buffalo came back with nearly a hundred pelts.
Sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
The tribe organized a search and looked everywhere, but they couldn't find the missing brave anywhere.
Today, as you drive through the West, you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this lost warrior. Throughout the highways, on interstates and
side roads, you can still see their signs that say, 'Watch for Falling Rocks.'"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A motorway walks into a pub one day.
He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you
hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
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| A blonde was mowing her lawn when she
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat... which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her, along with the tail to the local Walmart.
Why Walmart???
Walmart is the largest retailer in the world!
A true groaner! Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
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| A man went to a dentist one day for a regular check up.
The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist advised the man of the situation who agreed to the
procedure.
When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man said "don't worry, I don't need an injection".
The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle.
The patient went on to explain that he had two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth.
To the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince.
The dentist, quite astonished remarked "that was amazing, the two recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must have been something
special, would you care to tell me about them".
The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and squatted down and my
scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!".
The dentist exclaimed "oh my god, that must have been excruciating but what was the second experience". The man replied "when I ran out of chain"
Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| The privilege of naming all the children
of the tribe always fell to the chief.
One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.
"Well, my son," the chief replied, "When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.
"For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say - you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising."
"And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say - you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over."
"So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?"
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A young man with a slight hearing problem, is in an accident and his eye is poked out.
He goes to the Dr and finds out that a glass eye is very expensive so he decides to get a wooden eye which is a lot cheaper. After the
accident he is afraid to go out of the house and becomes a recluse. His buddy finally talks him into going to a dance.
He is standing around when his buddy talks him into asking a girl for a dance.
Now the girl is in the same boat as the man because she has very large ears and this is her first time out for a long while too.
He goes up to the girl and says "Would you like to dance?"
All excited, the girl and replies "Oh would I"
Thinking she had said 'wood eye' he begins to yell ' big ears, big ears!!'
Submitted by Jack ...
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A banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Many people are unaware that Frank Sinatra was an
ecologist.
Once, he found out that the herds of animals in Africa were being forced off their native lands into game reserves where they were more apt to be eaten by their natural enemies due to the
crowded conditions.
These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of water, but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes. This resulted in abnormal losses in the herds.
Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a LOT of money to trying to find out where there may be some open land to put the animals so they wouldn't be so crowded.
Frank's idea was to go to the watering holes and load the animals on large barges and take them to other lands and then set them free.
In order to accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a best-selling song about it.
We've all heard the song before.
It starts out, "Start spreading the Gnus..."
The title of the song was, of course, "New Ark, New Ark."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you,...
... I knew right then and there that it was going to be a really bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it... he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said " Hey buddy, I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well then, which dwarf ARE you?"
And that's how the fight started.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in
the house all the time... ... because all it does is eat grass.
He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time.
One day He looses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it.
The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench.
The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".
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| A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a
quiet rural pub...
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he
does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Gladys Dunn recently moved into a retirement
community in a small town. One beautiful Sunday morning she walked down the street to a church not far from her apartment.
Gladys was in awe of the big beautiful church building as she stepped inside to attend the worship service.
Gladys however, wasn't too impressed with the sermon. She thought it was kind of boring and, as she looked around the church, she noticed that many of the
members were nodding off. When the preacher finished his sermon he encouraged the congregation to greet those sitting close by. Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left. He, too, had
fallen asleep and was yawning and stretching trying to wake up. He smiled at her, and Gladys returned the smile. She politely offered her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."
"So am I!" the man replied.
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe ...
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and
notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| I don't usually like these
fuzzy heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting..
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant
turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the
elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son, Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The
elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| Old Aunt Cora went to her
doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation.
"It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine!"
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| Troy had finally made it to his doctor's
office for a long overdue appointment.
"Well, Troy," the scowling doctor said, "I see you're well over a month late for your appointment. Don't you realize that nervous disorders require prompt and
regular attention. What's your excuse?"
"I was simply following your orders, Doc," Troy replied.
"Following my orders?" the confused doctor said. "What are you going on about? I gave you no such order."
"You told me to avoid people who irritate me," explained Troy.
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
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| A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly
Eastern city ... ... and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less
onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He
consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long.
But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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