• One could attend in the nude and not get sniggered at.
• Psychopath or beauty queen—they all look the same to the instructor.
• Nobody knows if you cheat.
• No football or basketball games to go to.
• No running between classes on a frigid December morning.
• No mandatory PE classes to satisfy so sadistic state statute.
• Anything that happens in your house stays in your house.
• Every girl that emails you looks like Julia Roberts, every male looks like Leonardo DiCaprio.
• Your instructor could look like "Our Miss Brooks" or "Mr. Chips".
• Your wife could help you with the tests.
• You could be a valedictorian without leaving your bedroom.
• Nobody has ever heard of your school, but that’s all right, nobody has time to check it anyway.
• Your school used to be in the Big Ten. Now it is in the Big Ten to the power three.
• This sort of thing is spreading in the lower grades. Now it’s called "home schooling."
• You do realize that half of your school’s enrollment are socio-misfits, or just too lazy to attend a real school campus.
• The school president’s name is Al Gore. He’s there running the place because nobody outside of academia would believe him anyway.
• You also pay your tuition via email. Notice how fast the prices go up, just like the real schools.
• The head of the Psychology department is named Schickelgruber.
• The music department course consists of a download of MP3 music from pygmy tribes in Chad.
• The only team allowed is chess. You do not have to bulk up for it.

• Alpo looks good when you serve the dog.
• You cannot tell the difference between "Star-Kist" Tuna and "Nine Lives".
• You finish your dinner before you get it to the table.
• You find yourself searching through the neighbor's garbage can to see what he had for dinner yesterday.
• You watch over ten cooking shows in one afternoon.
• You have sent love poems to Rachael Ray.
• The local buffet quickly locks their doors when it sees you at the entrance.
• When you sit down, you need two chairs.
• You go to all of the pancake breakfasts and church spaghetti dinners within a 50 mile radius, just to get "all you can eat".
• You have outgrown your car five times in the past five years.

"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

• This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."
   
• A sea anemone floats into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy a drink for that man in the corner." The bartender takes the drink to the man in the corner and says, "This is from your friend over there." The man replies, "With anemone like that, who needs friends?"
   
• A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, short-change him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again....

• "The body was found with its arms and legs dismembered, tied in a sack and floating in the bay. I’ll be back with more sports in a moment."
• "White Sox Mark Buherle finished signing a new four year contract today. What team will he be playing for? Details at Five"
• "Remember white sands and sunny beaches in beautiful Bermuda. But remember when you fly to Bermuda, be sure you take a plane."
• "The congressman was ill and reports are that the illness was caused by his—DEATH! We tried to reach him, but his office said that he was away for a while on a little vacation.(off mike) Who the hell typed this damned thing?"
• At a county fair in Arkansas: "Well while we are waiting for the main event to start, I better tell you about some other things that have been happenin’ around here, too. Now Charlie Haymaker, he’s from Hickory Grove R.D.---he had his nuts on display on the counter just beyond the center aisle."
• Now on ‘Want-ads of the air’ we have this advertisement from Springdale. There is a man down there who wants a man to take care of a kennel of dachshunds. He must speak German."
• Here is a lead-in for John Cameron Swayzee and the news: "Here is John Soloman Quazie and the news."
• Cleaners ad: "Ladies who come in and drop off their clothes will receive prompt attention."
• "In the wonder world of sports comes word that Yogi Berra, great Yankee catcher was hit in the head by a pitched ball. Yogi was taken to Fordham Hospital for x-rays of the head. The x-rays showed nothing."
• "Good morning ladies, we are going to prepare a dish that is easy to do and is guaranteed to please your husband, and it’s called Fricken Chickasee. Oh, I beg your pardon, that’s Chicken Frickasee."
• A bulletin that a group of dogs got loose from a dogcatcher’s wagon and raced crazily through the fields of a well-known tobacco plantation. "Friends, does your cigarette taste different lately?"

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?"

To which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

"Really?!" says the bartender, "How?"

"Very simple. Just pour full glasses."

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply

'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'

Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer.

The barman placed his beer on the bar alongside a bowl of nuts.

As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.

The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.

To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.'

Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?

Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?'

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

"As you didn’t kill this protected species intentionally, I don’t intend to send you to prison", the judge says. "However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal".

"For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10". Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.

The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. "Your Honour", he says, "With the greatest respect, I believe you’ve made a mistake in your calculations".

"We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds". "Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000".

The judge looks at the ranger, and says, "I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animals’ weight, minus its two front paws". Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, "but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation?"