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| Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes him- self a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd
expect from a Jedi Master.
Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
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| After months of negotiation, a middling size advertising company...
... was awarded a contract to promote a new range of cheeses for a well known manufacturer whose management had spent time at the ad. company offices, becoming convinced they would do a good job.
To cement the deal, all the advertising staff were invited to the head office and plant to look around and go to a product tasting.
They duly arrived, and the CEO of the manufacturer welcomed them, but then said to the Advertising head, 'This is all your staff? There seem to be some missing.'
'True,' was the reply, 'there's no taste for accounting.'
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia!
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The Power of Alcohol: A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing ,begs his son to drink again..The patrons chant,'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...
...., He should've quit while he was a head.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend.
We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!"
So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?"
"What?" she asked.
I said, "Stool samples."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringmaster, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a plasterer?"Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.
Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!
(I'm sorry ... I don't make these up - I just post them!)
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?!
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
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I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.
It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.
For years, he refused... told me I was crazy.
But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.
"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said, "I, stand corrected."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A motorcyclist picked up his friend from work one raw autumn day.
The friend complained he was cold from the wind, so the driver stopped and got his friend to turn his coat around, so the collar would stop the wind blowing down the neck.
They went on aways, but came to a construction site. Quickly the cyclist bumped through the dirt path, and at the end turned around to check how his friend was doing. But the friend had fallen off!
The cyclist rushed back along the dirt path, and discovered a group of construction workers gathered around his friend. He pushed his way through the crowd and asked how his friend was doing.
"He seemed alright," came the reply, "until we turned his head around the right way."
Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.
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Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food.
Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind.'"
"And how is it?"
"Nothing much. The book was better."
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Why The Olympic Committee Turned Down Chicago As A Venue
- They were originally told that kayaking was to take place in the Deep Tunnel Sewer Project
- Due to a court decision, street gangs were to have equal chance at the concession business.
- Someone on the committee learned that other than the Chicago Marathon, drug running is the most popular sport.
- The committee was disappointed that the first Mayor Daley was not on hand to speak to the delegates.
- The delegates learned that the primary food to be served to the athletes were Italian beef and Pepper and Egg sandwiches, Big Macs, and washed down by Goose Island Beer.
- Somebody found out that the raising of the Michigan Ave Bridge and occasional pot shots from Cabrini-Green Housing project might interrupt the marathon.
- The Chicago Aviation Department told the officials that it might take two-hours to pass customs, one hour to get a cab and three days to search for their lost luggage.
- Because of the 2016 Housewares Convention at McCormick Place, attending foreign dignitaries would have to find a hotel room in the Quad Cities.
- Oprah Winfrey used a stand-in for her speech.
- They found out that President Barack Obama was really born in Nairobi.
Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.
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The General went out to find that none of his GIs were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the GI, "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order... ... he says "I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights and pair of running boards. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?"
"No" the cook says, "three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this for a while, and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says, "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
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A man took his Saint Bernard to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome.
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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height...
..., or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject. One day, he and I went to lunch at a Sub shop.
"I'll take the Italian," he said to the guy behind the counter. "Salami, Provolone, and peppers."
"Do you want a full hero or half one?" came the reply.
"Ah... gimme a half," my friend says.
After placing our orders, we took our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard...
"Small Italian, your order is up!"
Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.
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A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son...
.... will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."
So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody know pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam... ... consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off
the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped
the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the
shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg "Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded.
"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However... I can make a well-educated guess.
Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle... ... so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the heck do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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The Vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium......
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place...."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The Vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.......
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!
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