As he approaches the door to the dining room, he is met by the Maitre D', who explains to him that he cannot enter without wearing a tie.

Not having one with him, the man returns to his car and retrieves a pair of jumper cables

from his trunk. He then ties them around his neck and proceeds back to the restaurant.

Upon seeing him again the Maitre D' says "What do you call that around your neck"?

The man explains to him that it is all he has for a tie.

After much argument from both men the Maitre D' finally relents and says "Oh all right, I will let you go in this time, but don't start anything!"

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah, 5 .... 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.

She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.

"Jewish-fly?" Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, "OK, put some of that in her drink."

As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Let's go shopping."

He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....

The hunter says, OK, now what?

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...

"Afraid not," said the farmer.

"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.

"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.

"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"

"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."

The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped.

"You sold me a blind horse!"

"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be okay.

The doctor said "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since your were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, John hung himself in the bathroom and died."

David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry."

The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, " I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down."

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living @$*%# out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf.

Then they got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and stick pig were amazed !!! "

Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

After looking around, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor".

He went in and Finkelstein prepared a new robe for him, which was a perfect fit. When he asked how much he owed, Finkelstein brushed him off.

"No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge. However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor".

Jesus readily agreed and, as promised, plugged Finkelstein's robes every time he preached. Some months later, Jesus was walking through Jerusalem and happened by Finkelstein's shop. There was a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.

"Jesus! Jesus!! Look what a marvel you've been for business!" gushed Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"

"Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. Finally, they came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop...

"LORD & TAYLOR"

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

"I'm really hungry," said the first one.

"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms.

They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can

fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Me neither. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O.K.," said the first. 

Ready?...

You're gonna like this one...

However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: 

------ "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels in to the game. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying the game and drinking Jack Daniels mixed in their soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle of Jack Daniels is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Using the clues given, what inning is the game in and what is the status of the game?

The game is in the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.  Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,... I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I sleep through the alarm, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!"

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob, . . . . something about the emergency brake.

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
• He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• You can't have everything, where would you put it?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

. . . Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, how was'a da treep?"

Luigi replied, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip.

All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket. The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, "No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car."

So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, "No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car."

So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car". We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through the car yelling real'a loud, "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!"