• If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
• Ax Me About Ebonics
• Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
• Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
• If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
• Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
• You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me!
• I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
• Grow Your Own Dope --- Plant a Blonde
• All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Your Proctologist called....he found your head.
• Illiterate? Write For Help.
• Honk If Anything Falls Off.
• If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
• Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
• My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
• Thank You For Pot Smoking.
• The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
• The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
• Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
• He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit .
• I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
• Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
• Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
• Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
• Boldly Going Nowhere.
• Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
• How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Before He Admits He is lost?
• Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
• My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
• So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

• A person needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
• Never wish it was next week. Time is too precious to wish away.
• Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
• Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
• Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
• When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
• Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
• If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
• The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right".
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
• If he says that you are too good for him-believe it.
• I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
• If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
• If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
• Living well really is the best revenge.
• Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
• Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.
• Work is good but it's not important.
• Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
• You are the only person who can truly make you happy.

And finally ..

• Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections

• I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
• Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
• I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
• I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
• The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade in value
• If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!
• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
• Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
• I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
• I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
• Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
• Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
• Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

• In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
• In a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs
• In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
• In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
• Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc.
• Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
• Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness
• Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
• Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor
• Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
• Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
• On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

• ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing n the middle.
• BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
• CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
• CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
• COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
• EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
• GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
• HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
• INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
• MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
• RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
• SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
• TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
• TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
• YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
• WRINKLES: Something other people have. I have character lines.

• My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
• Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine.
• God must love stupid people, he made so many.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Ass holes!
• Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
• Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
• Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
• Procrastinate Now
• Rehab Is for Quitters
• My Dog Can Lick Anyone
• Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15
• West Virginia: One Million People and 15 last names
• FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
• MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
• STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
• They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
• He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
• POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
• FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
• HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
• A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
• The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
• WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.
• The trouble with life is there's no background music.
• IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
• The original point and click interface was a Smith &Wesson.

• "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."
• "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
• "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
• "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
• "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
• "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"
• "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it Impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
• "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either hell or damn in it."!
• "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
• "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."
• "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
• "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
• "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
• "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."
• "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
• "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."

• Septic Tank Truck sign reads: "We're #1 in the #2 business".
• Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
• At a military hospital-door to colonoscopies: "To expedite your visit please back in"
• On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
• On the trucks of a local plumbing company "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
• At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
• Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Come in and pick your nose."
• At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
• At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
• On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
• In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
• In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
• On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
• At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
• At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
• In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.
• At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."
• And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak"

• Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?
• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the ore of the earth?
• Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand p and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
• Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze hese dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix the hole in the boat?

• Speaking of all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
• According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
• Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while ... it isn't so hot.
• I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'
• If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying of nothing.
• I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
• In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
• There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
• Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."