|
Spotted in a toilet of a London
office: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below ...
- In a Birmingham department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
- In a Norwich office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back Or further steps will be taken.
- In an Swindon office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on The draining board.
- Outside a Chester secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. why not bring Your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
- Notice in Cambridge health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
- In a Leicester laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the Light Goes out.
- Spotted in a Longleat safari park: Elephants! Please stay in your car.
- Seen during a Blackpool conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on The first floor.
- Notice in a field in Wiltshire: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull Charges.
- Message on a leaflet in reading: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
- On a repair shop door in Newcastle-on-Tyne: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell Doesn't work.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Actual Entries in Hospital Charts
- Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in ER, she was examined, x-rayed, and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- Rectal examine revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got divorced.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield. Co.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from the Easter Bunny
- Don't put all your eggs in one basket
- The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
- Walk softly and carry a big car rot (carat)
- Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
- Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
- There's no such thing as too much candy
- Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans
- Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
- All work and no play can make you a basket case
- A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
- The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
- An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
- To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
- Some body parts should be floppy
- Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
Happy Easter!
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
More insights on life age brings ...
- Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
- Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
- Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
- An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
- There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
- In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
- I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
- You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing
- What happens to a man is less significant than what happens within him.
Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
More Witticisms of Life ...
- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
- I don’t do drugs anymore ‘cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
- Sign in a Chinese pet store: "Buy one dot, get one flea."
- I have my own little world, But it’s OK…. They know me here.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
- I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
- The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
- There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the idiot you married.
- If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades… now THAT’S a message!
- I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
- I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect: therefore, I am perfect.
- Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
- If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
- Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
- Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Murphy's Law Addenda
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted; then used against you.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- Remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- If you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.
- If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- Latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 percent of the world's population.
- If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
- The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
- Flashlight: A case for holding leaking dead batteries.
- Shin: A device for finding furniture.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
- I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.
- When you go to court, you put yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Light travels faster than sound, so some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
The Year's Worst [Actual] Headlines of 2002
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Submitted by Patrick, Muskegon, Mi
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
More Deep Thoughts ... Part 12
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- What do you call male ballerinas?
- Can blind people see their dreams?
- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Why do the alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Did You ever Wonder?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
- crisp which no decent human being would eat?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why
- can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
- to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- Why are Trix only for kids?
- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you
have to touch it to make sure?
- Is Disney World the only people-trap operated by a mouse?
- Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
If policemen where allowed to say what they really thought ...
- "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
- "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
- "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
- "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
- "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
- "Just how big were those two beers?"
- "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
More Insights One Gains as They Go Through Life ...
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
- Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
- According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a
bunch of liars.
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
- In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that
to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
More Headline Stories for the Year 2035
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
- Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
- Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
- Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
More Headline Stories for the Year 2035
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Headline Stories for the Year 2035
- Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
- Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
- Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
- 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
- Texas executes last remaining citizen.
- Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
- Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
- Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
- Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
- Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
- New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
|
Go to page 16 of Humorous Saying |
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
|
|