• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
• without using the timer.
• You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You're so jittery that people use your hands
• to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
• it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee
• with an I.V. hookup.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Date:

Dear Professor,

My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:

• There must be a mistake somewhere.
• I was not well at the time of the examination.
• My mind always goes blank during an examination.
• This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.
• This is the only course in which I received a poor grade
• This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.
• Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.
• The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject
•  I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.
• I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.
• I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.
• Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.
• The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.
• I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student - you just ask any one of them.
• The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.
•  Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.
• I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question
• I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students
• At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.
• t is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.

Thank you,

Name:

• Fisherman Hooked. Police Bait Line
• Trapeze Artist Suspended. Refuses to Remove Safety Harness
• Marathon Swimmer Gets Cold Feet over Arctic Swim
• Police Say Dressmaker's Face Altered. She Say's It's a Stitch-up.
• Weightlifter Benched over Unclean Jerk
• Tennis Star Hits the Net. Volley and Mail Returned
• Steeplechaser Jumpy over Hurdle Heights
• Shot-put Entrant Throws Weight Around. Now Very Bruised
• Trapshooter Given the Bird. Claims it Was an Egg.
• Jockey Posted at the Finish, Expects to Be Franked.
• Yachtsman Buoyed, Not Drowned. 'Glad to Be Alive'
• Cold Shoulder for Local Weatherman. Predicted Heatwave.
• Cameraman Gets Shot with Own Camera. "I'm Not Negative about It, Though."
• Fireman Gets Burnt. Found with Hot Stuff
• New Hurricane Names: from Now, Named after State Governors.
• Archer Targeted over Missing Bull
• Blue Cross Turns Red after Red Cross Gets Blue Gowns.
• He Said He Couldn't Face My Type. But I Do Every Day. I'm a Compositor.
• Percussionists Beat Drum for Rhythm Method

• I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I had amnesia once -- or twice.
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
• Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
• If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
• grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
• Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
• When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
• What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?
• My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• The speed of time is one-second per second.
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
• It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
• Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

• The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
• Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
• If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
• Seat belts are not as confining as wheel-chairs.
• A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
• How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
• Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
• Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
• Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
• No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
• There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
• There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
• Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
• I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
• Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
• Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
• Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
• After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
• Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a tractor.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
• Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Every path has a few puddles.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
• Don't judge folks by their relatives.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God/the Goddess.

• Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
• When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• A penny saved is a government oversight.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
• If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
• There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
• Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."