• Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
• Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
• All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
• All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

• Big Money Works
• Bought My Wife
• Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

• Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET

• Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE

• Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
• Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD

• Fix Or Repair Daily
• Found On Road, Dead
• Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM

• General Maintenance

GMC

• Garage Man's Companion

HONDA

• Had One Never Did Again
• Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
• Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

HYUNDAI

• Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA

• Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE

• Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
• Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB

• Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA

• Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO

• Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

• Virtually Worthless

• Politicians: None. They use their aide's torches.
• Religious leaders: None. They believe a light in the sky illuminates them.
• Film stars: One. They wear it on their head; it's always lit, never needs plugging in.
• Columnists: They prefer the streets to be lit so they can find a subject, but they'll do it anyway.
• Cartoonists: Two. One on their desk, one in their mind, the latter switching on the former.
• Presidents: None. They are the light, and it's never changed. (Even when it's stopped burning)
• Engineers: One. Specifically, the one at the end of the tunnel.
• Dancers: One or more, providing they're fantastic.
• Fund Managers: One. Providing it's bright enough to obscure what's unsaid.
• Physicists: Who cares? They can always find another photon.
• Pop stars: One a day.
• The glamorous: One, provided it's UV
• Middle management: None. They're used to working in the dark

• Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:
• Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
• At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
• Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
• Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: Cooles and Heates: if you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.
• In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
• In the grounds of a Nairobi private school: No trespassing without permission.
• In a Mumbai restaurant: Open seven days a week, and weekends too.
• In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
• Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
• In the lobby of a masc. hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
• Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
• Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
• A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
• Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.
• Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
• The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
• Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
• In a Japanese cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves

• Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college degree.
• Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
• When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
• The report of my death was greatly exaggerated.
• In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
• A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
• Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
• A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
• Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
• It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
• Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
• Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Every path has a few puddles.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
• Don't judge folks by their relatives.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

• Found god? If nobody claims Him in 30 days, he's yours!
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
• God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.
• The thing most generally raised on land is taxes.
• If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
• Seen on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
• Health is slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
• If it ain't broken, play with it until it is.

• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)
• Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
• It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
• The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
• Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
• The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
• Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
• Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.
• A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
• Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
• Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
• The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
• Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
• It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
• A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
• Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
• Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
• Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
• You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
• There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
• Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!
• You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

• Half-yearly sales happen every week.
• A labour-saving device means you have to labour even harder to pay for it.
• Getting home sooner to use the thing that gives you more leisure time cuts hours in a day to 20.
• It's easier to identify someone by their voice than their looks.
• Loneliness is a power failure.
• Going out of business can be a mark of success.
• Carefree travelling is now one of the scariest things we can do.
• We learn more and more about less and less, then learn less and less about more and more till we know nothing about everything and everything about nothing. But our opinions are totally informed.
• There are more and more items to choose from on which our life doesn't depend, and fewer and fewer that do.
• Saving money by spending it is the second classic oxymoron.
• That democracy is social equality is the first.
• We're more aware that certain people will try to manipulate our outlook, but don't care if they succeed.
• We can communicate with practically anyone on earth - except ourselves.
• The smaller the world gets, the more we shut it out.
• And the oddest thing of all is that real love still flourishes.

Why aren't Electicians delighted or defused, Musicians denoted or detonated, Models deposed, Tree Surgeons debarked, Dry Cleaners depressed or decreased?

Why aren't Playwrights deactivated, Secretaries defiled, Tanners debated, Sleepers debunked, Hypocrites decanted, Conmen deployed, Debt Collectors debilitated, Logicians deposited, Florists deflowered?

Or Bankers decapitated, Security Agents deciphered, Jockeys derided, Park Attendants deranged, Writers described, Kings desired, The Falsly Modest decoyed, Plumbers deducted, Geologists defaulted, or Magistrates defined?

And shouldn't Concreters be deformed, Examiners degraded, Butchers delivered, Staticians demeaned, Dental Technicians debited, Surveyors declined, Priests demoralised, Photographers depicted, Estimators devalued, and, last of all, Why aren't more politicians devoted?

• Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
• Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
• Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
• Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
• Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.
• Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
• Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
• Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
• Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
• Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
• Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
• Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?