• Your can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.
• Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.
• The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.
• The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.
• That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating by itself.
• Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.
• That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.
• The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.
• You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.
• The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight.
• Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.
• The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin..

• Signs In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
• In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
• In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
• On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
• From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: "If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."
• On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
• On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
• Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

• Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there's a baseball player who's worth $250 million, and I can't remember his or her name.
• Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.
• It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.
• Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.
• How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?
• Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?
• You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.
• Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public.
• It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory.
• Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself.
• Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?
• I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.
• To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?
• Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.
• My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.
• You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.
• If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.
• The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.
• There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.
• One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.
• I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.
• Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?
• Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?
• Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?
• I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

• Give people more than they expect.
• Memorize your favorite poem.
• Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
• When you say, "I love you," mean it.
• When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
• Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
• Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
• Don't judge people by their relatives.
• Talk slow but think quick.
• When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
• Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
• Call your mom.
• Say "Bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
• When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
• Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
• Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
• When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
• Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
• Marry someone you love to talk to. As you get older, conversational skills will be as important as any other.
• Spend some time alone.
• Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Read more books and watch less TV.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
• Trust in God but lock your car.
• A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
• In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
• Read between the lines.
• Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
• Be gentle with the earth.
• Pray -- there's immeasurable power in it.
• Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
• Mind your own business.
• Don't trust a lover who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss them.
• Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
• If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
• Learn the rules then break some.
• Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
• Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
• Remember that your character is your destiny.

• Suicide to go commercial, says BBC head - The Daily Telegraph
• 2 Convicts Evade Noose: Jury Hung - US newspaper
• Shell found on beach - Evening Argus
• Slim-fad girl, 17, vanishes - The Sun
• Abattoir staff will be halved - Chester Mail
• Suicide to go commercial, says BBC head - The Daily Telegraph
• Magistrates act to keep theatres open - The Evening Citizen
• Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
• Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
• No water so firemen improvised - Liverpool Daily Post
• Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
• New York ban on boxing after death - The Times
• Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
• Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
• Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
• Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• House passes gas tax onto senate
• Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
• Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
• Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
• Milk drinkers are turning to powder
• NJ judge to rule on nude beach
• Farmer bill dies in house
• Iraqi head seeks arms
• Child's stool great for use in garden
• Man uses wife as shark bait

• I'll get a world record for this.
• It's fireproof.
• He's probably just hibernating.
• I'm making a citizen's arrest.
• So, you're a cannibal.
• Are you sure the power is off?
• Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
• I've seen this done on TV.
• These are the good kind of mushrooms.
• Let it down slowly.
• Rat poison only kills rats.
• Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
• It's strong enough for both of us.
• This doesn't taste right.
• Nice doggie.
• I've done this before.
• Well, we've made it this far.
• That's odd.
• Don't be so superstitious.

• Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
• Trust everybody . . . then cut the cards.
• Don't do for others what, given the chance, they wouldn't do for themselves.
• Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture.
• If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, then you are all right.
• It's good to question authority, but not mine.
• Love doesn't really make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile.
• Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.
• An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
• The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
• A retired husband is a wife's full time job.
• Heredity is something parents comfortably believe in, if they have a bright child.
• Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!
• Happiness is the place between too little and too much.
• Circular arguments often make the rounds.
• Even at a Mensa convention, someone is the dumbest person in the room.
• When in doubt. . . mumble.
• Money can't buy everything . .but then again, neither can no money.

The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.

• Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
• I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
• The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
• In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
• I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
• I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
• As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
• This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
• Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
• Stock up and save. Limit: one
• We build bodies that last a lifetime
• See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
• And now, the Superstore - unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
• Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
• When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.

• Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College room mate used to play.
• 16. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
• You checked your blow-dryer to see if it was Y2K compliant.
• Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
• You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
• Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
• You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
• The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
• Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
• You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
• Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

• And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• A PBS mind in an MTV world.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• Meandering to a different drummer.