• "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

• "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

• "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

• "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

• "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

• "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

• "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

• "I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:

  • Number one, 'Cover for me.'

  • Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'

  • Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'

• "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

• "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

• "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."

• "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

• "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?

• We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

• "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
• "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
• "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
• "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
• "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
• "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
• "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
• "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
• "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
• "Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
• "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
• "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
• "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
• "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
• "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
• "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
• If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.
• A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.
• When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.
• I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.
• If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
• Commercial truck owners should be required to pay into a state windshield repair fund.
• I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.
• I work for a living, I don't live for working.
• With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!
• Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.
• Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
• If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.
• Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
• Why is the National Guard in Iraq and the Army in New Orleans?
• Yes, I'm lost . . . but I'm making GREAT time!
• Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.
• Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.

Submitted by Kathy, Germantown, Md.
 

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... expressing a wise or clever observation or a general truth

• The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
• Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
• If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense.
• Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
• A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
• How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
• Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how man people a company can operate without.
• Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
• Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
• No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
• There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
• There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
• No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
• I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
• Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
• Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
• Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Smart Car.
• After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!! 20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.
• "I'd rather go through life sober believing I'm an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, trying to prove I'm not."
• "Occasionally let your mind wander; it knows how to get home."

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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• Paul Revere's mother "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
• Mona Lisa's mother "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
• Humpty Dumpty's mother "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Nooo!"
• Columbus' mother "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
• Michelangelo's mother "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
• Napoleon's mother "All right, napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
• Custer's mother "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
• Abraham Lincoln's mother again with the stovepipe hat, abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
• Barney's mother "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
• Batman's mother "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
• Goldilocks' mother "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
• Little miss Muffet's mother "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your Tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
• Albert Einstein's mother "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
• George Washington's mother "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
• Jonah's mother "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
• Superman's mother "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
• Thomas Edison's mother "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, MD.
 

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• Traffic light: Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
• Divorce: Postgraduate in school of love.
• Pioneer: Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
• People: Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
• Swimming pool: A mob of people with water in it.
• Self-control: The ability to eat only one peanut.
• Salesman: Man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
• Cannibal: Person who likes to see other people stewed.
• Egocentric: A person who believes he is everything you know you are.
• Foreign film: Any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
• Optimist: Girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
• Magazine: Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
• College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
• Emergency numbers: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
• Opera: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
• Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself."
• Baby-sitter: A teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
• Tattoo: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

Go to page 35 of Humorous Saying

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