• . . . when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
   
• My son, age 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
   
• On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
   
• A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
   
• I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."
   
• A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically..."Why does it have to be a secret?"
   
• When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."
   
• A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
6. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
7. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
10. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
11. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical ompositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam-boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie is covered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Q - Name the four seasons.
A - Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q - What does "varicose" mean?
A - Nearby.

Q - Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A - Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q - What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A - He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q - Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A - Premature death.

Q - How can you delay milk turning sour?
A - Keep it in the cow.

Q - What is the fibula?
A - A small lie.

Q - Give the meaning of the term "caesarian section."
A - The caesarian section is a district in rome.

Q - What is a terminal illness?
A - When you are sick at the airport.

Q - What does the word "benign" mean?
A - Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q - What is a turbine?
A - Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q - What is a Hindu?
A - It lays eggs.

• How do you decide who to marry?
  • You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10
  • No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10
     
• What is the right age to get married?
  • Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then. Camille, age 10
  • No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6
     
• How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
  • You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8
  • What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
  • Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8
     
• What do most people do on a date?
  • Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough lynnette, age 8
  • On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10
     
• What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
  • I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9
      
• When is it okay to kiss someone?
  • When they're rich. Pam, age 7
  • The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
  • The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8
     
• Is it better to be single or married?
  • I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8
  • It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9
     
• How would the world be different if people didn't get married?
  • There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 favorite is........"

• How would you make a marriage work?
  • Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10

• "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
     
• A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV- "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
    
• Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Jimmy. "I see...And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Susie said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot."
    
• An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"
   
• A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
    
• Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

. . . when he noticed his 6-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great...he's 6 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad, "how fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my 3-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" 

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. 

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

At that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. "Justin, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!"

Little Justin answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom."

She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"

Little Justin replied, "Yes." The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Justin's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems." Little Justin's mother asked, "And ... are you teaching them to say, 'Two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'"

When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! ... What I taught them was, 'Two plus two ... THE SUM OF WHICH IS ... four.'"

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, 'or' That's Michael. He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And There's the teacher. She's dead."

An honest seven- year- old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

For weeks, a six- year old lad kept telling his first- grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six- year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!