...the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

When called upon the first student says "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said "Well that isn't entirely correct because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says "Grass is definitely green". Teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct".

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?".

They decided it was because they had not been baptized, and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure" said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water.

"We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yeah, what do you think that means?"

"That means we're Pisscopalians."

... would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

 "Your mommies and daddies get a lot of their knowledge and wisdom from the bible. It is a very important book." Then, she asked the class, "If someone were to offer you a gift of a bible or a fishing pole, which would you choose?"

"Fishing pole, fishing pole!" they all cheered.

Then the teacher asked my daughter, "Olivia, why would you choose a fishing pole over a bible?" She answered, "I would choose a fishing pole because then me and God could go fishing together!"

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she said and then "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

Yes, indeed, honey," he answered." God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn .......and into the hole he gooooes."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's. A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there. They are old, so they shouldn't play hard or run. It is enough if they drive us to the market and have lots of dimes ready. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They never say "hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart. They only have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip lines or mind if we ask for the same story over again.

At one point, she said, Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

... They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly. "Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, WHERE IS GOD!

"The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for air, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing, and they think WE did it!!"

"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

At last she said, "Mom, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo as I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think it's time for you to try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Our five-year-old son, Mark, couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.

In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark to ask, "What caused the submarine to sink?"

With a look of incredulity, Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl.

• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
• Play Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
• Super Glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
• It will, however, make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

•  . . . When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
   
• A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: '4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer'."
   
• After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
   
• A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
   
• A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
   
• A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
   
• After the dedication of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
   
• Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, And Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.
   
• The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
   
• A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
   
• Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
   
• A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"