'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,' I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa," the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard anywhere we went today!"

• A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
• 7-year-old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
• 7-year-old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
• 7-year-old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
• 7-year-old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
• 7-year-old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
• 7-year-old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
• 7-year-old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
• 7-year-old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
• 7-year-old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

• If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent........... (Wayne age 7)
• Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
• A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
• My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
• When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
• I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
• I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
• Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug them selves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
• On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

... by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

• H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
• To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
• When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
• Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
• A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
• Liter: A nest of young puppies.
• Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
• Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
• Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
• Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
• The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
• A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
• For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
• For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
• Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
• The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

• My youngest granddaughter, Domenique can cry real tears for no reason. As her mother was getting her ready for church, she was combing her hair, and Domenique was crying, saying that it "really" hurt, that done, then it was time for her mother to put her ear rings in, she has had pierced ears since she was born, so at three, we know they really don’t hurt being put in, but Domenique is crying alittle any way. My daughter says to her, do you want to look nice? And Domenique answers that yes, she did, and my daughter says to her, sometimes, beauty is painful. At church, Domenique sees her cousin, Julia who is about 4 months older that her. Domenique says to her, "You look beautiful Julia, are you in a lot of pain?"
   
• As my three year old granddaughter was cleaning up her toys from her bath, she noticed that her baby doll was "peeing", and commented to her mother that her baby doll was a girl baby, because she had a vagina, she then said to her mother "I don’t have any boy baby dolls, right? None of them have peanuts"
   
• My three granddaughters were playing on the beach, two were three years old, and one was five. My one daughter came down, and said to one of the three years olds "Domenique, is that a new bathing suit?" Domenique answers "Yes, Aunt Monica, it is." Aunt Monica asks her "It’s very pretty, where did you get it?" Domenique answers, "My Pop-pop got it for me at Wawa." Aunt Monica, "Wawa? I didn’t know they sell clothes there!" Domenique, "Yes, way in the back." And of course, the other three year old got her bathing suit at Food Lion, and the five year got hers at McDonalds.

I had my three girls playing out front of my house on the beach area. There are only two real rules when Grandmom is watching them: Life Jackets, and No Throwing Sand.

We out most of the afternoon, the four of us, had a tea party on the beach, built a castle, dug some holes, real nice day. Then two moms show up….

Well Mom #1 came to get Child #1, Julia (3 ½ years old), she picked up some toys, cried, but had to go home.

Mom #2 came down to the beach, (she wasn’t leaving as they live with us). Child #2, Domenique (3 yrs old), grabs up a shovel and throws sand onto Child #3 Kaleigh (5 yrs old). Within minutes of mom being on the beach.

Mom takes Domenique off the beach and tells her she has to apologize to her cousin, and of course there is a big "NO".

Well, really long story: as it takes 5 hours to get to the next part, but Domenique has now had: no more beach time, all out side toys taken away, out side shower taken away, she had to have a bath inside, while Grandmom and Kaleigh had an out side shower. No cartoons, no shows, no DVD, and finally no TV at all. Then no babies, (as she has two that are her "children") they had to go to bed, and she could not play with them, then no toys in the house, and at each interval she was told to apologize to her cousin. And even though she is crying, and begging to (what ever it was to do/play), she would not apologize. It is now getting close to 7:00 and mom #3 is coming to pick up child #3, Kaleigh.

So Kaleigh and Grandmom are sitting on the couch, reading a story. Domenique starts to come closer so see can see and hear also, but her mom caught her, and asked if she was going to apologize yet, and Domenique starts crying, but shakes her head no. So her mother tells her that she can not listen to the story either, and takes her out side. Well, a few minutes later, Domenique comes in, and her face is red, her cheeks a molden, her nose is redder, and running, and she crying; but she comes up to me and says "Grandmom, I have to talk to my cousin, Kaleigh, please." So I ask Kaleigh if she would like to talk to Domenique, and she says yes, Now: and this you can’t make up the three year old child says "Kaleigh, I’m very sorry that you were standing where I was putting the sand."

When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and Severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here.'

• Don't change horses - until they stop running.
• Strike while the - bug is close.
• It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.
• Never underestimate the power of - termites.
• You can lead a horse to water but - How?
• Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.
• No news is - impossible
• A miss is as good as a - Mr.
• You can't teach an old dog new - Math
• If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.
• Love all, trust - Me.
• The pen is mightier than the - pigs.
• An idle mind is - the best way to relax
• Where there's smoke there's - pollution.
• Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.
• A penny saved is - not much.
• Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.
• Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.
• Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and - You have to blow your nose.
• There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.
• Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.
• If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.
• You get out of something only what you - See in the picture on the box
• When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way.
• A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you.