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| Child rearing FAQs Q: How long is the average
woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause haemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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My Little Sister's Jokes |
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Marriage is ...
- Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
- Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
- Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
- Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
- Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
- Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
- Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
- Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
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| A man and woman were having dinner in a fine
restaurant.
Their waitress, taking an order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| "Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle.
"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A wife was rather taken by cars ...
..., and asked of her husband: "Could you buy me something that goes from 0 to 100 in less than 4 seconds"
With her birthday drawing near, her husband, as always, wanted to fulfill her wish. so he gave her the following ...
It is probable that he is now dead.
Submitted by Dave
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| An itinerant preached of the
hellfire and damnation variety accosted ... ... an aged, sad-eyed farmer in the backblocks.
"Do you realize judgment day is almost nigh!" he roared.
"When's it comin', then?" asked to old guy.
"It could come today or tomorrow," thundered the preacher.
"Well don't tell my old woman," cautioned the oldster. "She'll want to go both days."
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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| One day, a man came home and was greeted by his
wife ... ...dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won
the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my
GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I
said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, MD.
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| A women bought a
new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her looks years longer.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said,
"Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you're so sweet!"
"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet..."
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the
bartender... ..., "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| A husband walks into
Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it Tomorrow and keep the
$500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least Iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral is on Friday
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| An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
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| A Man
sits down at a table in a restaurant and asks the waitress: "Do you serve breakfast here?" "Sure; what'll it be?" the waitress responds.
"I'll have some watery scrambled eggs .. and some burnt toast ... and some weak coffee, lukewarm." says the man.
"Whatever you say, sir." says the waitress.
The man then says "Now, are you doing anything while the order is going through?"
"Why - no sir." she responds.
"Great" says the man "then sit here and nag me a while ... I'm homesick!"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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