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| A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.
The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?"
He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."
He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Marriage and Men
- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
and lastly...
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband that the one she
married!
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| When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise... ...,
God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was over 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household!
You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL
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Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming
wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday ... ... and everybody complimented him on
how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.
Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A woman went to her
doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said ... ... "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in
order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when
things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well.... In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were
feeling a little less somber, there were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a
couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were
dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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- Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
- Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
- Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
- Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
- Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
- Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
- Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
- Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A humorous look at marriage, life and getting old ...
- The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience
in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have
to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
- I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a
cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
- Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
- All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride
gave him back his credit card.
- John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
- A man goes to see the Rabbi "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison"
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Marriage One-liners:
- I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)
- After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They stay together, but just cant face each other. (Hemant Joshi)
- Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. (Alexander Dumas)
- I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (anon)
- I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. (Sam Kinison)
- There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. (James McGavran)
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
- A good wife always forgives her husband when she is wrong. (Milton Berle)
- First guy: "My wife's an angel." Second guy "You're lucky. Mines still alive"
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
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| A woman's husband had been
slipping in and out of a coma for several months... ..., yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come
nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
- When I got fired, you were there to support me.
- When my business failed, you were there.
- When I got shot, you were by my side.
- When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
- When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck... get away from me."
Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a cafe
... ... four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how
things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your
fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get
her."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Marriage as seen thought the eyes of
the famous and not so famous...
- I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
- By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
- Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
- The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud
- I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Anonymous
- "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes
Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henny Youngman
- "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison
- "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran
- "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." - Patrick Murray
- Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... - Anonymous
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle
- Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. - Anonymous
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| A boss was
complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
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| I was married 25 years ago. I took
a look at my wife one day and said ... ... "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a small sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but at least I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde every night.
Now, we have a nice house, nice cars, big king size bed and plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up
your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap
apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and she would buy me a 10-inch black & white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve mid-life crisis problems.
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| A woman, her husband, and their three
rambunctious young sons ... ... were in their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car next them, noticing a blissfully
happy mother with her baby daughter.
Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."
The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks, and said, "Here, have another cookie."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| We've been trying to save money because the
mortgage payments ... ... were pretty tough to work with. I don't reckon I drink too much beer,
maybe a carton on weekends with the boys, but she told me we couldn't afford beer anymore. Well, it was tough, but I quit.
Then the credit card statement came in, with $150 spent on cosmetics. So I asked how come I had to give up stuff but she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look
pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
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| While I was watching golf last weekend ...
... my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my Scotch.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A Mother's Dictionary ...
- Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
- Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
- Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
- Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
- Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
- Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
- Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
- Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
- Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
- Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
- Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
- Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
- Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
- Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing superman pajamas.
- Two Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
- Verbal: Able to whine in words.
- Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house...
- Weekend: When dad gets to play golf while mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Why We Split Up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
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| When I go to a local discount store
to get oil and filters for my car... ..., I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some
women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.
"How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes
first."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Two women were discussing marriage and one said ...
... "We've been married ten years, and every night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without
complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one said, "Not in the slightest."
Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"
To which the first woman replied, "Why should I object? A lot of people don't like their own cooking."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| How To Know You're Ready For Parenthood
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the
house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag
until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set
alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and
table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll
have all the answers.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| In between watching
sporting, hunting & fishing shows a couple weeks back ... ... my wife and I were discussing life and death.
I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smartass.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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