Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife's hand afterward and said emotionally, "Tell me how it was, darling, how it actually felt to give birth."

"Okay, honey," his wife replied.

"Smile as hard as you can."

Beaming down beautifully at his wife and newborn child, the man commented, "That's not so hard."

She continued, "Now stick a finger in each corner of your mouth."

He obeyed, smiling broadly.

"Now stretch your lips as far as they'll go," she went on.

"Still not too tough," he remarked.

"Right," she snapped. "Now pull them over your head."

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You’re beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said," You’re cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"

"Certainly not," replied the preacher.

When asked why, he replied:

"Coz I love the end bit where she takes the ring off her finger, goes back down the aisle, and jumps in the car and disappears..."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, Blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, and a halter top . What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter . Let's look for yours."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Names

• If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
• If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Eating Out

• When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

Bathrooms

• A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

• Women love cats.
• Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Future

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MArraige

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!"

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

• Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
• We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .
• I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
• I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
• My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
• She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
• She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" . The driver said "No, jump in!"
• Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
• The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

• If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
  If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
   
• If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
  If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
   
• If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
  If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
   
• If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
  If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
   
• If you cry, you're a wimp.
  If you don't, you're insensitive.
   
• If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
  If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
   
• If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
  If she asks you, it's a favor.
   
• If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
  If you don't, you're a slob.
   
• If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
  If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
   
• If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
  If you're not, you're not ambitious.
   
• If she has a headache, she's tired.
  If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.