"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for £30,000 the amount of insurance on the barn.

"We don’t give you the money," a company official explained.

"We replace the barn and all the equipment in it."

"In that case," replied the wife, "cancel the policy I have on my husband."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

The first guy replied, "No, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

• Nicknames: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah . If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
• Eating out: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
• Money: A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
• Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
• Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
• Future: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• Success: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
• Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
• Natural: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

• When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
• Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home
• A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
• Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
• An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
• Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
• Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
• A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
• Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
• The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly...

• Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Damn. That must be my husband!"

So the man jumped out of the bed; and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.  A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court seeking a divorce.

The judge asks the young husband, "What has brought you to the point that you feel you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband answers, "Your Honour, in the six weeks I have been married, we have been unable to agree on a single thing."

His wife says, "Seven weeks."

..., slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking... but I have stopped fishing.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

Mother and six-year-old daughter are in the garden, looking to see how many passion fruit are on the vine. "There's not many, are there," says the youngster.
"No. There's a real shortage of bees that pollinate the flowers."
As the girl looks around, she sees a flock of birds settling in a nearby tree, and asks, "Can birds pollinate?"
"No, dear. They poopinate."

As I rise from the evening meal, I begin to cough. "Problem?" my wife asks.
"Bit of an allergy, I think."
"Well, it ain't to food."

I demur from an order. "Listen," she responds, "if you want to oppose, stand for parliament. In this house you agree. Capice?"

My dear one thought of getting into the counseling game many years ago when we ran a nursing home. She'd employed a very lovely young lady as a cook, but who happened to be a transvestite. Our ten- year-old daughter asked her mother soon afterwards, "Mum, why has Robin got whiskers?"

At a recent dinner with our daughter and her husband, the similarity of mother-daughter careers and likes/dislikes was summed up succinctly by the mother: "We're feathers off the same bird." No one dared ask for the bird's credentials.

A moment ago she came in from seeing the local doctor. "What'd he say?" I ask
"I've got to use CS."
"Cephalosporin?" I'm incredulous.
"No, dopey, common sense. You know, that commodity in such short supply among the learned."

"When are you going to fix the hole in the ceiling?" (From a botched DIY project)
"When you put away your junk on the sofa."
10 minutes later, she was on the stepladder with ruler and pencil, measuring the hole.
"What are you doing?"
"Fixing the hole."

An avowed activist, she startled me out of a reverie with "I'm going on a hunger strike!"
"Yeah? What against?"
"My weight."

He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."

Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood.

Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?"

One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet.

"So, Mr. Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?"

"No, sir", the man replied, "I'm just standing for my wife's first husband!"

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your Friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.

"In our house we don't spray and wipe, we pray and swipe."

Friend: "What's it like being a grandmother?"
"After all these years, I reckon I'm a qualified grad-mother, and I can tell my kids where they're going wrong."

"I see that world leaders are getting together to tackle the financial crisis," say I.
"Marx predicted it! 'Wankers of the world unite. You've nothing to lose but your chins!'"

After watching a political candidate during a debate: "Everyone's entitled to their ten minutes of lame."

At a dinner party: "Do you like counseling?"
"Oh, I love it! Now… tell me where have I gone wrong?"

Our youngest, then five, says to her mother, "what's wrong with dad?"
"He's in a bad mood."
"How do you know?"
"I saw him put it on this morning."

"Mum. I need a mobile phone. Please??"
"Sure. Use your father - he's mobile, and phony most of the time."

An acquaintance says "In Austria they say that if you hear a cuckoo you should jiggle the change in your pocket and it will increase."
"Ah… there's a cuckoo clock in our bank. Must save them having to add interest."

Me: "I see the experts are saying we're headed for a recession."
"Boy, are they ever overqualified."
"Eh?"
"Even the paper boy knows that."

"I'm worried about your son." (MY son? A sure sign that things are really bad)
"Oh? Why?"
"He's a bedophile."

As the computer boots up: "I knew you'd been downloading porn."

"What?"

"Well, it starts off with an ad or something for motherboards. So I know what you've been into."

After answering the doorbell one Saturday afternoon, then screaming, running into the family room with angry eyes, clad in an old pink chenille dressing gown: "You go. It's the police… they want…"

"What do they want?"

"I don't know. They're from the blasted fashion division."

Having spent many hours planning the seating for an important dinner, the stress of two late acceptances was volcanic. After staring at the plan, then out the window at length, a maniacal grin appeared, all the place names were gathered together, then thrown high in the air. "Let the cards fall where they will." Problem solved.

When asked by a friend to pay $100 each for tickets to a charity ball, her reply? "Sorry, no can do. These days we're living on the smell of an oily shoe-string."

Visiting again, six months after having given a clothes dryer to his mother for her birthday, our eldest says: "How's the clothes dryer going?"

"OH, I haven't used it yet."

"Why not?"

"I'm saving it for a rainy day."

"But it's raining today, and you've just put the washing on the line."

"The rainy day I'm talking about is when I can't get out to the line. But thanks for thinking of my old age." (Her 70th was next week)

She applied for a position as a counselor at a major school. When she returned from the interview, I asked "Well, did you get it?"

"Yeah, I reckon so. Counseled the principal for 45 minutes, gave her a bill for $90, and she paid. She's that dumb. The kids won't be as easy."

After several hours of spontaneous observations, all to the point and mostly acidic, I said "Living with you is better than going to the comedy festival."

She colored slightly, then replied "I knew you'd married me for my levity."

That was not the only thing, of course.

Except:

• How to cook.
• How to clean.
• How to manage money.
• How to wipe up spilled water.
• How to drive.
• How to write a check.
• How to answer a phone.
• How to do math’s.
• How to be polite.
• How gas is paid for.
• How cell phone bills are paid.
• How to work the can opener.
• How to sweep, dust or vacuum. How to make a bed.
• How to do laundry.
• How dictatorships work.
• How to stop talking.
• How to get a job.
• How important it is to finish high school.
• How the world actually works.

She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to know in life??

I’d like to trade her in. For a puppy.