• She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
• She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
• She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
• Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
• She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
• She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
• She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
• Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
• She will hate charge cards.
• Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
• She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
• She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
• She will love you because you're so sexy.

What Men Get in a Wife

• She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
• She was once a model for a totem pole.
• Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking.
• She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
• She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
• No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
• If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you

When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near. "You have been with me through all the bad times," he said.

"When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you stayed by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

• AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
• DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
• FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
• FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
• FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
• GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
• HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
• IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
• INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
• OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
• PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
• SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
• STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by
• boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
• TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
• TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
• VERBAL: able to whine in words
• WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' "But think about that Ladies. What would you say if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife?'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

• 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food.
• Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
• The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
• There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
• The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
• They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
• The kids vote them off based on performance.

The winner gets to go back to his job.

At the wake, the minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Bill he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached the farmer and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote:

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was: "Don't".

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small", $6500 for "medium", and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes" the mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

"Who cares?" she replied.

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Dan. Today I made Angel Food Cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Dan wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Dan brought a friend home for dinner.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Dan asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Dan asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Dan did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Dan keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Dan's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls to roast. It still came out like hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Goodnight, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Dan. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose."

• Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
• There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
• Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
• Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
• Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
• The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
• We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

"You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender . . .

. . .association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as she.

One of the students raised their hand and asked, "What 'gender' is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other. He asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The Men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

• No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
• The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
• Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

He thought to himself, "Oh, message in a bottle." He took out the cork and out popped a genie. The genie said, "Thank you for releasing me. Now you may have 3 wishes -- however, I'm a special genie. I love my mother-in-law, so anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will receive double."

The man first asked for a million dollar house on the beach. Poof! A gorgeous house appeared. Just then -- POOF!! -- a house twice as big appeared next door and his mother-in-law was waving at him from the window.

He hurried inside to avoid her. As he was admiring his new house, he turned to the genie and said, "For my second wish, put $10 million on that table." Poof! There was so much money, it was falling off the table. Then POOF!! Next door, the money was flying out the windows and his mother-in-law got $20 million.

After scratching his head and thinking a bit, he suddenly turns to the genie and says, "OK, for my third wish,... beat me half to death!"

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.