"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and her dress was an oyster and it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please advise"

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." 

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a

courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" 

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

• Smart man + smart woman = romance
• Smart man + dumb woman = affair
• Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
• Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

• Smart boss + smart employee = profit
• Smart boss + dumb employee = production
• Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
• Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS:

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY: Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY: Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION: There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible

language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

1. The telephone is ringing.
2. The baby is crying.
3. Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell.
4. There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it begins to rain.
5. The water faucet in the kitchen is running.

In what order do you take care of the problems? What order would you address them . . . Each of the items above represents a facet of your life.

1. The phone represents your job or career.
2. The baby represents your family.
3. The visitor represents your friends.
4. The laundry represents your sex life.
5. The running water represents money/wealth.

Makes you think, right? How close did this test match your priorities in life?

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

She answers, "I'd love to be ten again."

So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to the local Theme Park. What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear...everything there is! Wow!

She staggers out of the Theme Park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right into McDonald's they go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing strawberry shake. Then off to a movie... it's the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbles home with her husband and collapses into bed. He leans over lovingly and asks, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opens and she groans, "Schmuck, I meant dress size."

Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's how the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

• You make the bed . . . +1
  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows . . . 0
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets . . . -1
• You leave the toilet seat up . . . -5
  • You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty . . . 0
  • When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex . . .-1
  • When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom  . . . -2
• You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings . . . +5
  • in the snow . . . +8
  • but return with beer . . . -5
  • and no liners . . . -25
• You check out a suspicious noise at night . . .  0
  • You check out a suspicious noise at night and it is nothing . . . 0
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it is something . . . +5
  • You pummel it with a six iron . . . +10
  • It's her cat . . . -40

AT THE PARTY

• You stay by her side the entire party . . .  0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy . . . -2
• Named Tiffany . . . -4
• Tiffany is a dancer . . . -10
• With implants . . .  -18

HER BIRTHDAY

• You remember her birthday . . . 0
• You buy a card and flowers . . . 0
• You take her out to dinner . . .  0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar . . . +1
• Okay, it is a sports bar . . . -2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night . . . -3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team . . . -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

• Go with a pal . . . 0
• The pal is happily married . . . +1
• The pal is single . . . -7
• He drives a Ferrari . . . -10
• With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED) . . . -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

• You take her to a movie . . . +2
• You take her to a movie she likes . . . +4
• You take her to a movie you hate . . . +6
• You take her to a movie you like . . . -2
• It's called Death Cop3 . . . -3
• Which features Cyborgs that eat humans . . . -9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans . . . -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

• You develop a noticeable pot belly . . . -15
• You develop a pot belly & exercise to get rid of it . . . +10
• You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts . . . -30
• You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one, too." . . . -800

THE BIG QUESTION

• She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
• You hesitate in responding . . . -10
• You reply, "Where?" . . . -35
• You reply, "no, I think it's your butt" . . . -100
• Any other response . . . -20

COMMUNICATION

• When she wants to talk about a problem:
• You listen, displaying a concerned expression . . . 0
• You listen, for over 30 minutes . . . +5
• You relate to her problem and share a similar experience . . . +50
• You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do" . . . -50
• You listen more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. . . . +100
• She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep . . . -200

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"