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| A woman went to a computer dating
service and said she didn't care about looks ... ... income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both pathological liars.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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| A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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| Mary Clancy goes up to
Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.. "
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, PA.
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| The tiresome jury selection process continued ...
... each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD.
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| One man exclaimed to his friend, "I just had
another fight with my wife!" "Oh, yeah?" the friend said. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," he replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
His friend looked puzzled. "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"I think she said something like, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel.'"
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Damned If You Do or Don't
- If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're
a pansy.
- If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
- If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
ass and find something better.
- If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
- If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
- If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
- If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
- If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
- If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
- If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.
- If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
- If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
- If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
- If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
- If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
- If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.
No wonder men die before women!
Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.
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| A guy was sitting quietly reading his
paper when his wife walked up behind him ... ... and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| It's a wife's job to listen to her husband...
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything,
and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got
his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony,
just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
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| A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her
girlfriends one day.
"Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can makes this for me any old day.
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they
exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!
How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was trying to lick his back."
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The Smith's were
shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered.
"No gas or needles or any of that stuff.
Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as brave as you," said the dentist admiringly.
"Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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| Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run
... ... I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message
never sunk in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
He will be just fine when they take the casts off.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA
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| A little boy went up to
his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" ... ... The father replied: "Well, son, you must have
gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
- A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his
shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."
The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
- A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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| While attending a marriage seminar on communication...
Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| A guy goes on
vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the
body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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| In case you were wondering what makes a divorce
lawyer grin ... After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he
wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there,
to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a
bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and
left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain
why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung
everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new
home......including the curtain rods.
Submitted by Andy,
Gettysburg, Pa.
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| Irving was just coming out of
anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital ... ... and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered
open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
Submitted by Don, Middleburg, Md.
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Dating Rules for Overly Protective Dads
- Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
- Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
- Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
- Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
- Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is: "early"
- Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
- Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be
on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there,
why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
- Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
- Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
- Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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