"I've had a some troubles" the women responded.

"I'm sorry to hear that," said the priest, "what's wrong?"

"My husband died recently," she said

"I am so sorry," responded the priest, "Did he die suddenly?"

"Yes, Father, it was rather sudden." she said.

"Well did he leave with any last words, what was the last thing he said to you?" the priest asked.

"Well, Father, the last thing he said to me was 'Sheila, put the gun down!"

Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home. He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My vife is from Minnesota."

Then....being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

"Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late...had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the Dad... "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing.... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but... never got around to getting married."

The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS?"

• Commandment 1: Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
• Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• Commandment 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
• Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
• Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
• Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.
• Commandment 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
• Commandment 9: Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That's why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.
• Commandment 10: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished....

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?