With a look of utter resignation, and waving his arm round, he says, "Which area did you park it in?"

" P4" she replies.

"P4? Lady, we don't have numbered parking areas."

"Oh, yes you do, I parked right next to the P4 sign."

A look of painful disbelief dawns on hos face. "Lady, that means you can park for four hours." Sigh.

What colour and make is your car, then?"

She might have been blond in a former life.

1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and aren’t breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
9. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday

• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
• One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
• Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
• If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

At the end of a week, the man returned for a follow-up visit to his doctor's office. The concerned doctor asked the old gent if he was feeling better. The man answered that he actually felt worse.

Then the doctor asked, "Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about fifteen minutes."

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her ...

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Grady hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Grady lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Grady, but one day, Fred approached the park and lo and behold! --there sat Grady!

Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Grady, what in the world happened to you?"

Grady replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail???" cried Fred. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Grady said, "you know Sue, that cute little red-headed waitress at the coffee shop where I go for lunch sometimes?"

"Yeah," said Fred, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;" Grady replied "and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded "guilty!"

Grady slowly shakes his head from side to side and continues, "The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

• Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like you really hung one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle-aged.
• You join a health club and don't go.
• You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
• You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.

Thoughts On Aging

• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
• You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
• The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
• Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
• When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
• You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma 'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now the Alphabet:

• A's for arthritis;
• B's the bad back,
• C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
• D is for dental decay and decline,
• E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
• F is for fissures and fluid retention,
• G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
• H . high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
• I . for incisions with scars you can show.
• J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
• K is for knees that crack when they bend.
• L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
• M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
• N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
• O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
• P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
• just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
• Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
• R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
• S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
• T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
• U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
• V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
• W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
• X is for X ray, and what might be found.
• Y for another year I'm left here behind,
• Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

Though I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head;

I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind.

For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs,
If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there.

And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt.
Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out.

I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned.
I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned.

And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head.
I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed?

Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot.
I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not.

So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting sore
It may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more.

Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very red
Instead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.

There was quite a pause on the other end of the Phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

'I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too.'

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

• The Lawrence Welk Show that you hated as a teenager sounds pretty good now.
• All of the comedians that you used to laugh with on Ed Sullivan are dead now. Also, you knew that Ed Sullivan wrote a newspaper column before he went on television, didn't you?
• You remember when a Buick was built like a Sherman tank.
• Your after-school activity was playing baseball in the neighborhood with all of the kids.
• You remember you wearing out three pair of Keds in one summer playing basketball in your driveway.
• There were only two rock 'n roll radio stations in your metro area at one time. Country stations were only heard in the South.
• Do you remember variety shows on television? One or two were on every night.
• You are surprised to see that your best friends when you were a kid look just as old as you do. And all you talk about is high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and retirement homes.
• Less and less people are coming to your class reunions now.
•  As you continue to visit are care for your parents, a little thought in the back of your head is that soon you will be watched over by your kids, too. Also, you never realized that old age came so quickly.

• You thought that cottage cheese didn't come in a milk carton, but you ate it anyway.
• You can't find your toupee, so you went to work without it. You found it later when your dog brought it to you.
• You think that Barbara Walters is some sexy chick.
• You are upset to find out that they don't make needles for your phonograph any longer.
• Your grandchildren come over for a visit. You remember all of their names, but cannot recall their parents'.
• You don't bother to go outside and fetch the newspaper, because you cannot read it anyway.
• You cannot taste anything without a couple shakes of Tabasco sauce on it.
• The trinkets that you originally put on your shelf used to be called "keepsakes". Your kids now call them "nick-nacks".
• You used to be happy with five channels on your television. Now cable has 304, and you cannot find the remote to change off of the Cartoon channel your grandkids put it on last month.
• When you complain, nobody takes you seriously any longer.

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said

He asked, 'Do you gamble, or drive fast cars?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,....

'Then, why do you even care?'