Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out.

There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a littlekid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

How to Stay Young:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. He asks the man behind the counter:

Jacob: "Are you the owner?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

• If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
• Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
• The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

• Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
• I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
• If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
• Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• If the shoe fits .... buy it in every color.
• If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
• Some days are a total waste of makeup.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

Dear family:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life.

Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love, Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

• Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
• It Is Well with My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
• Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
• Just a Slower Walk with Thee
• Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
• Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
• Give Me the Old Timers' Religion
• Blessed Insurance
• Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and ooh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - - Aaaaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today,

I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said

"It's easy, I just outlived all those losers!"

The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "you used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

Count how many of the following you remember

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

.... that's Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder!! This is how it goes...

I decide to change the oil in the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car .... BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. So, I lay the car keys down on the desk.

After discarding the junk mail, I notice the waste can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on the desk .... BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out to the trash can, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills .... yes, now where is the checkbook? Oops .... there's only one check left.

Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty cup from last night on the desk. I'm going to look for those checks...BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away .... BUT FIRST, I need to water those flowers. I head for the door and .... Aaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. OK, I'll put the remote away and water the flowers....BUT FIRST, I need to find those checks ....

BY THE END OF THE DAY: The oil in the car has not been changed, the bills are still unpaid, the cup is still in the sink, the checkbook still has only one check left, I've LOST my car keys....and, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because....I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!!

I realize this condition is serious....I'd get help....BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail!

By the way, the doctor told me that this disease is highly contagious and that it can be transmitted by e-mail. So if you want to avoid AAADD, don't read this e-mail. (I meant to put this warning at the beginning of the message but I got distracted.... Sorry....!)

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold my coffee cup," said one.

"Yes, I know", said another. My cataracts are so bad I can hardly see my cup."

Another said, "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" and several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy", claimed another.

"I guess that's what we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

There was a short moment of silence....

"Well, it's not too bad," said one brightly. "Thank God we can all still drive."

One day the oldest drew a bath. She put one foot in the water, paused, and then called downstairs to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?"

The middle sister started up the stairs to help, and then paused and called back down stairs, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The youngest sister, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, "I guess I'll have to help. I hope I never get that forgetful!" and knocked on wood.

She got up then, paused, and called, "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door!"

• I cannot see
• I cannot pee
• I cannot chew

Oh, my God, what can I do?

• My memory shrinks
• My hearing stinks
• No sense of smell
• I look like Hell
• My mood is bad - can you tell?
• My body is drooping
• Have trouble pooping
• The Golden Years have come at last
• The Golden Years can kiss my ass

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?"

Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"

"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"