• First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
• They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.
• Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
• We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
• As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
• Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
• We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
• We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
• We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing!
• We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
• No one was able to reach us all day. And we were o.k.
• We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
• We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, x-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms..........we had friends and we went outside and found them!
• We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
• We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.
• We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
• Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
• The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. they actually sided with the law!
• This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
• The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
• We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And you are one of them! Congratulations! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

• Foxy Lady: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
• Long-term Commitment: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
• Serenity Now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
• Winning Smile: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
• Beatles or Stones? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
• Memories: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
• Mint Condition: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'

They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why .

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story doubled over on the floor with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. (ah, senior moments...)

A new man walks up and says hello. One lady says "Are you new here?"

"Yes", he replied.

Another lady asks "Where did you live before you moved here?"

 "I was in federal prison".

The third lady asked "What were you in prison for?"

"I killed my wife", he said.

The fourth widow then remarked, "So, you're single?"

He looked around and could not see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "pick me up".

He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. My husband said, "are you talking to me"?

The frog said, "yes, I'm talking to you, pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful pleasures that you have ever dreamed of."

My husband looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer &that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight & out golfing up and down the fairways.

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead? The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning ... and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grand-father's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No ... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

George the preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he ranted and raved for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still dissatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, why are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy ... I just outlived them all ...

The old lady figured .... what the heck, she hadn’t found anything else.  She bought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "kiss me and you wont be sorry"

So the old lady figured What the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous young handsome prince.  The prince then kissed the old lady back ... and guess what the old lady turned into?

Come on Guess!!!

She turned into the first motel she could find ... She's old ... not dead!!!!!

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thank God we can all still drive."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

...with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience ...

• The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
• The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
• Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
• Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
• Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
• ABBA - "Denture Queen"
• Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
• Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
• Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want! "
• Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

Some of your old favorites have re-released their greatest hits ... take 1

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the Memphis County Home for the Aged.

My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.

My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine. I told her to pound sand and die!

God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.