A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales"/"Bush Lied" T-shirt and a tree hugger hat, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope.", another replied, "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to town and snatch another one?"

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

• Titanic: $29.99
• Clinton: $29.99
   
• Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
• Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
   
• Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
• Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
   
• Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
• Clinton: Bill is a bulls**t artist.
   
• Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
• Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
   
• Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
• Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
   
• Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
• Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
   
• Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
• Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
   
• Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
• Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there...
   
• Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
• Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of his books have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the left and the right.

• "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." - General George S. Patton.
• "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." - Norman Schwartzkopf.
• "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." - Marge Simpson
• "As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure" - Jacques Chirac, President of France
• "As far as France is concerned, you’re right." - Rush Limbaugh
• "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." - Regis Philbin.
• "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore."
• "True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don’t know." - P.J O’Rourke (1989).
• "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it." - John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.
• "You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people!" - Conan O’Brien
• "I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get Hitler out of France either" - Jay Leno.
• "The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag." - David Letterman
• "Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada." - Ted Nugent.
• "War without France would be like … uh … World War II."
• "The favorite bumper sticker in Washington now is one that says ‘First Iraq, then France.’" - Tom Brokaw.
• "What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" - Dennis Miller.
• "It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." - Alan Kent
• "They’ve taken their own precautions against al-Qa’ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." - Argus Hamilton
• "Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day – the description was, ‘Never shot. Dropped once.’" - Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)
• "The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq." - Dennis Miller
• "Raise your right hand if you like the French… Raise both hands if you are French."
• Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? A. Table for 100,000 m’sieur?
• "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It’s not known, it’s never been tried."  - Rep. R. Blount (MO)
• "Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that’s because it was raining." - John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.
• The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
• French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney -  (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003 - The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Here is a little test that will help you decide. Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.  What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

• Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
• Does the man look poor or oppressed?
• Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
• Could we run away?
• What does my wife think?
• What about the kids?
• Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
• What does the law say about this situation!?
• Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
• Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
• Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
• Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
• If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
• Should I call 9-1-1?
• Why is this street so deserted?
• We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
• This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some ! friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer: BANG!

Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Shortly afterwards he represented some farmers against the department of Agriculture but lost the case - which caused the farmers to become very angry, because he had promised them success. He decided it would be better to move away to a town that was on a hill overlooking his previous one - and he made sure he took the rooster.

Sure enough, the next morning the rooster began to crow in its new home, and soon afterwards the sun naturally rose above the horizon - but his former town remained in darkness. Well, they had asked for it!

He wondered why they did not come to him and beg him to return and let them have sunshine again, but knew they were really too stubborn and stupid to do that - some people were like that - but it didn't stop him running, and being elected to congress.