• For your next party make a pot of endangered species stew.
• Wear a Confederate Flag pin on your lapel.
• Give out candy cigarettes on Halloween.
• Give out REAL cigarettes on Halloween.
• Keep a framed photo of Oliver North on your desk at work.
• Call a bum a bum.
• Wear Nike gym shoes.
• Launch a petition drive to carve Ronald Reagan's visage into Mt. Rushmore.
• Litter....
•  ...on Earth Day.
• Advocate a nuclear first strike against Canada...
• As justification, offer the fact that Canada has Socialized Medicine.
• Drink Coors Beer
• Consume Conspicuously
• Tell this joke: "Tom Daschle, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore are in a life raft, but there are only enough provisions for one. Who gets saved?" Answer: The country.
• Cross a picket line.
• Throw a party to celebrate the execution of a notorious murderer.
• When they flip the switch, lead the crowd in a chorus of: "na-na-na-na, hey-hey."
• Spurn recycling.
• Wear a Washington Redskins jersey....
•  .........accessorized by your Cleveland Indians baseball cap.
• Buy a gun...
•  ...as a present for your 10 year old...
•  ...to celebrate his Junior NRA Membership.
• Drain a wetland.
• Drive a gas guzzling SUV....
• .....with a "Pave the Rainforests" bumper sticker.
• Smoke...
• ...a big, smelly cigar...
• ...in the no smoking section....
• ....on the day of The Great American Smokeout
• Express profound admiration for Richard Nixon.
• Wear fur.
• Attend boxing matches.
• Refer to an adult woman as a "girl."
• Take every possible tax deduction....and then some.
• Contribute money to the Jessie Helms Senatorial Campaign
• Argue that the poor are undertaxed.
• Recommend deportation to Cuba as a solution to "The Homeless Problem."
• Say you were just kidding. Then recommend work camps instead.
• Watch Fox News.
• Harm liberal actors in the making of your movie.
• Listen to Dr. Laura.
• Interject the remark, "Janet is sure a funny name for a guy."
• Drill for oil in your back yard.
• Give away Ann Coulter's new book, "Slander," to friends as Christmas presents.
• Recite the Constitution
• Send pages of the Bible in the self-addressed stamped envelopes received in junk mail.
• Support Ron Paul
• Support Bush
• State that the Stock Markets will crash to 1965 levels.
• Pay off a Jesse Jackson shakedown settlement with copies of Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations.
• Advocate "nucular" energy!
• Use the word niggardly in a sentence.
• Call your secretary Honey and tell her she looks great.
• Open doors for your wife, and pull out her chair.
• Call your Mexican friends Mexicans.
• State: "Old-Growth Redwood logs impart a resinous taste to the more delicately-flavored Endangered Species Kebabs (e.g. Spotted Owl). For this reason I prefer to use Tropical Hardwood briquettes."
• Insist that pot smokers really are stupid.
• Wear a T shirt that has a mushroom cloud and the words , "Made in USA, tested in Japan."
• Tell them Roosevelt was a Russian traitor
• Insist deviled eggs come from evil chickens

... and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The ambassador whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arab characters?"

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Ambassador , and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If out son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the items on the hall table, and he took the ten dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a politician!"

... and the miners will, by recommendation of the Committee, be placed back in the mine.

The Senators noted the following violations in the rescue process:

1. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for possible air pollution.
2. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water.
3. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue, without first performing an Environmental Impact study.
4. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity of the rescue workers.
5. The Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to "Thank God" during a live television broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation of church and state.
6. Several people at this public, government supported, rescue mentioned praying.
7. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross section of American society.
8. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given sufficient time to make speeches at the site.
9. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether or not any Republican officeholder owned stock in the coal company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused the mine to flood.
10. No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine rescues.

Thus, the committee stated: "Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically correct manner", the Committee noted.

There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.  Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama in the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He takes a sledge hammer and WHAM! nails Osama's knees.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, but I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," he shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U. S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."

"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. Just when I got

the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement in your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."

"Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard."

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country and not pay taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'."

"And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," he said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man said.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

By Thomas Friedman

As the fighting between Israelis and Palestinians has intensified, I've found it increasingly impossible to watch TV news. Lately, whenever Middle East stories come on CNN or MSNBC, I reach for the remote and switch to the Golf Channel. Everyone needs a break from the all too real suffering that surrounds this story.

I happened to mention this in a chat with Jim Bouton, the former Yankees pitcher and author of "Ball Four." Mr. Bouton says he's had the same reaction, and as we talked we came up with 10 reasons for why the Golf Channel is actually the perfect antidote to Middle East news:

1.  All the commentators, particularly the instructors, on the Golf Channel actually know what they're talking about, and no one on the Golf Channel is identified by the phony and meaningless title of "Terrorism Expert." Indeed, the only spin you see on the Golf Channel comes from Titleist and Nike golf balls. You have to perform your way onto the Golf Channel - you don't get on through a P.R. firm or by running for president and losing or by having been part of the O. J. trial.
    
2. There's no religion on the Golf Channel. The only time God or Jesus Christ is mentioned is in anger after somebody hits a bad shot. Or when someone wins a tournament and thanks the Almighty One for his/her assistance.
    
3. There is no history on the Golf Channel and no arguments about history. As with golf itself, it doesn't really matter what you did yesterday on the Golf Channel; every day starts with a fresh slate. Indeed, success in golf requires that you erase the history of what you did yesterday and focus only on today's round. In golf, unlike Arab-Israeli politics, the future always buries the past - the past doesn't bury the future.
    
4. There are long, glorious silences on the Golf Channel. nd the commentators who cover their events - rather than shouting at each other across a split screen - actually spend a lot of their air time whispering, so as not to disturb the players. Nobody interrupts anybody on the Golf Channel.
    
5. There are no uniforms on the Golf Channel - only golf shirts with swooshes, alligators and umbrellas - because, refreshingly, the players there represent only themselves and their achievements, not cities, countries or religions. Also, the only flags waved on the Golf Channel are green, with the numbers 1 through 18 on them (except during the European-American Ryder Cup matches).
    
6. On the Golf Channel, no one blames another country for everything bad that happens to them. In golf, you alone are responsible for what happens to you. No whining is allowed on the Golf Channel. Your ball ended up in a divot or took a crazy bounce? Too bad, that's golf - that's life. Unlike on CNN, Fox or MSNBC, where guests can wail that whatever went wrong was caused by some conspiracy, on the Golf Channel they tell you to get over it and move on.
    
7. On the Golf Channel the only "settlements" are "fairway condos," and "the right of return" is what you ask for after you've played Augusta for the first time. The only bunkers on the Golf Channel are the kind you need a sand wedge to blast out of, not a bazooka. And the only time the Middle East makes the Golf Channel is in March, when the Dubai Desert Classic and Qatar Masters are played in the Persian Golf, err, I mean, Persian Gulf.
    
8. The Golf Channel is devoted to a game that respects rules and clearly defines what is inbounds and what is out of bounds. Unlike in the Middle East, where it seems that all the parties cheat as much as they can get away with, in golf you are expected to call penalties on yourself. On the Golf Channel, there are real consequences for cheating, lying or breaking the rules: no one will play with you or have you on the air. In the Middle East, the more outrageously you behave, the more likely you are to be elected to high office or invited to appear on "Crossfire." 9. On the Golf Channel people want to beat up the course, not one another. It's man (and woman) against nature and man against himself, but not man against man.
    
9. No one on the Golf Channel is afraid of compromise or change. On the contrary, golf is a game where the very best players engage in never-ending self-criticism, self-reflection and self-correction, constantly adapting to changes in courses, conditions or age. That's all they talk about on the Golf Channel. The best golfers spend a lot of time looking at themselves in the mirror to check their swings - unlike in the Middle East, where self-reflection and self-criticism seem to be as common as a three-hump camel.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says,

"Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartass?

I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

Everyday when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the Wall, sir, how l long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is very impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

The old man replies calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall.

"One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly send 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out an continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's actually TWO of them."