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| Two rednecks in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A professor at Texas University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel
for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Billy Bob raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've
got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Bob, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Billy Bob replied, "Sheeiiiit! From way back there I thought you said Goats."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a redneck women ... ...
who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy".
"Yes", she replied, "All three sons are named Leroy."
"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.
"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply. "Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath. "Leroy, time for supper." And they all would
come to the table.
Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.
"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last name."
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist
asked him what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Two redneck college football players were taking an important
final exam.
If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a
FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell
farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A Redneck doctor wanted to go to the drag racing in next county...
... so he said to his good friend and town skeet champion, "Listen, bubba, I want to go the drags tomorrow, an' I caint
afford to close the clinic. I reckon you'd be all right lookin' after them folks as come in, don't you?"
"Sure 'nough", was the reply, "I'll be just might glad to help y' out. You go an' enjoy isself."
The following night the doc returned, woke up his friend and said, "Well, Bubba, how'd it go? See anyone?"
"Man, you sure didn't tell me how busy this here practice was! The first guy to come in said he had a headache, an' I sure knew why, 'cause he spent all day at the
saloon. Anyways, I give him some Panadol and he went off real happy. Next one in said his stomach was burnin' up like hell, so's I give him Mylanta, always works for me.
Next in was this redheaded chick, an I could see she no spring one either, but anyways she don't say nothin', just walks right into the surgery, strips off her clothes
right there, lies down on the couch, looks at me and yells "help me! For five years I aint seen no man, no man at all."
"Oh, Bubba, that's some strange thing happen to you. I don't think you'd better tell me what you all did."
Bubba just looked disappointed. After a minute the doctor said, "So, OK, tell me then. What happened?"
"Man, I looked real hard at that cute gal, but in the end I did the only thing possible. I just put eye-drops in her eyes. What else I goin' to do?"
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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You might be a Redneck if ...
- Anyone in your family ever die right after saying "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
- The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
- Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
- You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'
- You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
- Your wife's hairdo was once mined by a ceiling fan.
- You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
- You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
- You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
- You take a six-pack cooler to church.
- You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
- The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
- You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
- One of your kids was born on a pool table.
- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
- You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
- Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
- You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
- You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
- Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
- If you can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend's forehead, and it works.
- If you leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
- If you have ever spelled some thing wrong you wrote out in Christmas lights.
- If you go up a water tower with a can of paint to protect your sister.
- If you carry a shotgun in the back seat of your truck!
- How do you know when your staying in a Redneck hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go
ahead."
- How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
- What is a Redneck's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
- What do rednecks call "Hee Haw"? A documentary.
Submitted by Dan, Bugtussle Hallow, Tenn.
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| Counseling Southern Style Earl and Bubba two guys are quietly
sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"
- If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com".
- If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".
- If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop".
- If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
- If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
- If your baseball cap read "AOL Sucks!" instead of "CAT".
- If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
- If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.
- If you've ever used an AOL CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
- If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" or "Darlin".
- If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or porno star.
- If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy ya'll" or "Hey Bubba".
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL
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Top Country Songs for 2006
- It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day
- If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
- I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
- I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
- I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
- I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
- I'm So Miserable without you....... It's like You're Still Here
- I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few
- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him
- She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
And the number 1 Country Song is:
- If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Gettin' Out Of Prison About Now
Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge
in Texas one day.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't
jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of the Alamo."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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You Might Be A Tennessee Redneck If ...
- Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
- You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
- You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
- You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
- You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.
- Every time you see a road sign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
- You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a PingPong table
Submitted by Dan, Bugtussle Hollow, Tenn.
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Australian Redneck Etiquette
- Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
- It's tacky to take an esky to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Dinning Out
- When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining in your home
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
Personal Hygiene
- 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN ute keys.
- 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
- 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
- 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your Jewelry.
Dating
- Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
- Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
Theatre
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
- Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings
- Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place).
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
Driving
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the possum's in your rifle sight.
- When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest bull bar doesn't always have the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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| Two Rednecks are walking along a river bank...
... when they come across a group of people watching a man immerse some of them in the river. Spying them, the
man calls out "Hey, brothers, come on down. I'm baptizing sinners, washing away their sin, just as the word says. Come on down, you'll find Jesus, you'll be saved!"
"What d'you reckon?" one asks the other.
"Yeah, well, it probably can't hurt, 'n it's a hot day an all, a dip in the river sounds good." So he goes on down and is soon being immersed.
As he comes up the preacher says, "Hallelujah! Have you found Jesus!?"
"No", replies the REdneck, so he's dunked again.
"Have you found Jesus now?" asks the reverend excitedly.
"Nope, not yet," replies the guy, and a third time he goes down.
This time he's under the water for quite a while, and when his head bobs up the same question is asked. "Well, have you found him this time?"
"No, I haven't. Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Redneck one liners ...
Q. Two redneck girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society
Q. What do you call a 30-year-old redneck girl?
A. Granny
Q. Why did the redneck girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatever.
Q. What do you call a redneck girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The Bride
Q. What's the first question during a redneck trivia night?
A. What you lookin' at?
Q. Two redneck kids in a car without any music. Who is driving?
A. The cop.
Q. Three redneck kids drive over a cliff in a Ford. What's wrong with that picture?
A. The car seats four.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
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How to Install a Redneck Home Security System
- Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16work boots.
- Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
- Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
- Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim. I went to the gun shop for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls --they
attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell with all the blood. P.S. - I locked all four of them in the house.
Better wait outside.
Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, MD
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| A group of Red Neck friends went deer hunting and
paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa. |
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