• Son, you'd need a bodyguard in church.
• Shakespeare said it, sister. That's a double you see before you.
• Honey, why don't we get together afterwards 'n count our points?
• "Hey, big boy, what's that you got in yer pocket?"
• "That, ma'am, is ma jump overcall."
• Man, you aint in the pass-out seat, you're in the plain unconscious seat.
• That hand'd look no good after 5 drinks with the lights out.
• Course I drink and play. Gotta give y'all an advantage somehow.
• Y' caint fool me, honey, I know where your hearts is.
• Say, sweetie, you squirm in bed like that too?
• Son, you double us again we'll take up a collection for y'
• That king a spades smells so bad he caint a had a wash in a while.
• Ya always play like there's 53 cards in the deck, ma'am.
• You all come to this table, you count your blessings, not y' points
• Honey, y' don' wanna watch the slaughter, y' go an' see if there's a cold four-pack.
• Easier than brandin' a load a chickens.

• Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
• Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
• My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
• Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
• Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
• If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
• You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
• Man - "Fat Penguin!"
  Woman - "WHAT?"
  Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
• I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
• I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
• Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

and.... the best for last!

• If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

• Your kids call your sister mom
• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws:
• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
• You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• Anyone in your family ever die right after saying "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
• You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.
• You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• Your wife's hairdo was once mined by a ceiling fan.
• You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
• You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
• You take a six-pack cooler to church.
• You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
• The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
• One of your kids was born on a pool table.
• Your dad calls you "Chip" and walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
• Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
• You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
• If you can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend's forehead, and it works.
• If you think the nutcracker is some thing you did off the high dive!
• If you leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
• If you have ever spelled some thing wrong you wrote out in Christmas lights.
• If you go up a water tower with a can of paint to protect your sister.
• If you carry a shotgun in the back seat of your truck!

• Your wife can't fix you dinner because she has cheerleading practice.
• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner
• You ever get hot flashes at cattle auctions
• You have ever financed a tattoo
• Slamming the door on your truck creates an instant sunroof.
• You paint your car with house paint
• Steeling road signs is a family outing.
• Your side by side refrigerator consist of two igloo coolers
• Some offers you a silver plate and you pull off you belt buckle and say "no thanks, I've already got one"
• You've ever yelled out the window "KIDS!! STOP PLAYIN' ON THAT SHEET METAL!'
• Your child's first pet was a chicken
• You think God looks like Hank Williams, Jr.
• You have more guns than teeth
• Your baby's first words were "Attention, KMart shoppers"
• Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs
• You use your belt buckle as identification
• Your belt buckle is bigger than your head
• Your family tree doesn't fork
• You consider dating second cousins 'playing the field'
• You've ever used your fishing license as a form of identification
• You missed your graduation because your kids were sick
• You refer to fifth grade as "My senior year"
• Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your wife hits the floor
• The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut
• You go to your sister's wedding so you can kiss the bride
• Your family reunion was ruined 'cause your daddy burnt the Spam
• You go fishing with a generator and a piece of copper wire
• Fancy eating out (for you) involves drivin' to the next window

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. In a desperate hope to solve the problem, the Zoo Keeper approached a local redneck, Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where? Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

• You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."
• You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
• You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
• You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
• You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
• You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
• You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.
• You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
• You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
• You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

... but just couldn't make it with of them, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' you man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato ~ and it's worse than before! Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Bubba goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him "What's wrong now?"

"Grab a brain, man!" says the lifeguard "The potato goes in front!"

Announcement:

It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).

Invitations:

Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you ain't doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Jennifer's having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin'."

Proper attire:

For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big "they" are.

For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, consider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearance. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

The ceremony:

No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.

Reception:

Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car. 

• Foreclose: If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.
• Rectum: I had two Lexus coups, but my old lady rectum.
• Hotel: I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.
• Disappointment: My parole officer told me that if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.
• Israel: Alozono tried to sell me a Rolex watch. I said man this looks fake. He said what a joke that watch Israel.
• Catacomb: Don King was at the fight the other night, somebody should get that catacomb.
• Undermine: There is a fine looking chick living in the apartment undermine.
• Acoustic: When I was 11 my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.
• Iraq: When we got to the pool hall I told my uncle you break Iraq.
• Stain: My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner?
• Seldom: Darnell gave me two tickets to the game, and I want to seldom.
• Odyssey: I told my brother you odyssey the tits on that hoe.
• Horde: My sister got in trouble because she horde around.
• Tripoli: My 'ol lady wanted a bra for her birthday but I couldn't find a Tripoli.
• Fortify: I axed the ho how much and she said fortify. is the price honey
• Income: I just got in bed with Lois and income my wife.