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More celebrity
one-liners . . .
- "The problem with the
designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if
you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -
Jeff Foxworthy
- "If a woman has to
choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry
- "Relationships are
hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like
one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have
to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she
learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.'" - Paula Poundstone
"A study in the
Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than
men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh." - Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World
have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger
and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner." - Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about
cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding
vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne
"I think that's how
Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee,
I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni
"If life was fair,
Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead." -Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is
God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't
want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the
law." - Jerry Seinfeld
"In elementary school, in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people
burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having
one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is a great
institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
-Mae West
"Suppose you were
an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I
repeat myself." - Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter
than the average high school student. At least they can find
Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish
thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!'" - Dave Barry
"We have women in
the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They
don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say,
'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those
uniforms.'" - Elayne Boosler
"If you can't beat them,
arrange to have them beaten." - George Carlin
Submitted by Mike,
Broomfield, Co.
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There is a
beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following group of people are stranded:
- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian
woman
- 2 French men and 1 French
woman
- 2 German men and 1 German
woman
- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek
woman
- 2 Bulgarian men and 1
Bulgarian woman
- 2 Irish men and 1 Irish
woman
- 2 American men and 1
American woman
- 2 Indian men and 1 Indian
woman
One month later on this
absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere,
the following has occurred:
- One Italian man killed the
other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the
French woman are living happily together in a "menage a
trois".
- The two German men have a
strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the
German woman.
- The two Greek men are
sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and
cooking for them.
- The Bulgarian men took a
long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian
woman and they started swimming.
- The Irish began by dividing
up their island, Northside and Southside, and by setting up
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting
any.
- The two American men are
contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American
woman keeps on talking about her body being her own, the
true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they
can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal
division of household chores, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the
taxes are low and it is not raining.
.AND...
The 2 Indian men are still
waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
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Doctor: I have
some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well
give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with
your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's
terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to
reach you since yesterday.
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